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After many years of renting, I thought I had learned it all about
Real Estate Agents. Not so. I had, in fact, only learned about Property Managers—which are the prerequisite to Agents as such. They don't quite have the low
moral standing and 'realtor' speak down pat as yet. Now that I've bought a
house, I've encountered the Agent, essentially the same as Property Managers but
a hundred times worse.
I have since discovered that the word 'realtor' was Latin for a
wing of the Bedlam Mental Hospital. Of course, this particular wing is no longer
in operation in psychiatric hospitals around the world, and all the inmates have
been let loose to make a commission out of us poor, unsuspecting citizens.
Regardless of whether you're buying or renting, however, you'll
find this dictionary very handy. Keep it with you in times of need—it will
help you to decipher the real estate advertisements and save you time in looking
at houses that you certainly don't need to.
Cosy: Small.
Renovator’s Dream: Bring a tent just in case the house
falls down around you in the middle of the night.
Easy Care Garden: Used to belong to an Italian or Greek, so
there are predominately fruit trees set in concrete with about 2 feet square of
actual lawn, which is that really hard crab grass stuff.
Suit Avid Gardener: The garden hasn't been mowed or weeded
in about a decade and there are about 7 different lost species in there like the
ones out of Jurassic Park. Hope you like snakes.
Suit First Home Buyer: They haven't been able to sell it to
anyone who knows any better, so they're looking for someone gullible enough yet
who will believe it when they tell them it's a "great house".
Yard to Suit Dogs or Horses: The lawn has been damaged
beyond repair by the previous owner who had several manic depressive Border
Collies. It will take your weight in lawn seed and about 20 years to get it
looking decent again.
Located in Cul-De-Sac: It's in the heart of deepest,
darkest suburbia. Only buy if you enjoy waking up to the sounds of untamed
children, yelling mothers, lawnmowers, somebody's radio tuned to the '24 hour
cricket' station at full blast, and young male adults tuning V8 engines.
Quiet Location: All the neighbors have mysteriously died
of chemical poisoning—expect to be on 60 Minutes (and part of a mass court
case) some 10-20 years after purchase.
Architect Designed: Some crazy guy who couldn't get a job in architecture designed this
for his wife who refuses to live in it because it has a triangular shaped
kitchen, the living room is three miles from the main building, and the walk-in
wardrobes are all too small.
Recently Renovated: Nothing matches. Some items are stuck on with duct tape. They've
painted it some revolting color. You'll have to renovate to fix the
renovations.
P.O.A.: Price On Arrival, but it was originally meant to be You Can't Afford
It Unless You Make The Same Amount Per Annum As Steven Spielberg So Don't Ring
Us Unless You're Filthy Rich, but the acronym didn't make sense. But don’t let
that make you feel bad; it's probably ugly anyway.
I’m sure there’s a few I’ve missed out there, but you get
the general idea. The main thing is to ‘read between the lines’, as they
say. Either that, or once you’ve had a look at a few well advertised yet badly
kept houses, you’ll start getting the hang of it.
Happy house hunting!
© Cynthia M. Piromalli
©2004 StoriesByEmail.com
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