ACCEPTING THINGS
On the way to the airport, I tried, as best as I could, to sort out my life. So many things had happened in the last three days, I wasn't sure where to begin.
The issue with Conflict appeared to be resolved. I suffered some bumps and bruises, but, all in all, I was fine. She didn't hate me, and that was always positive. I hoped that she meets a man that is able to deal with her better than I could.
Shorty was a different dilemma. I hadn't stopped thinking about her. I already missed her. I had begun to think that my decision to leave her had been a bad idea. She was never a girl that I wanted to love, but it's the way that I felt. I really did love her. I didn't care that she was a stripper. I had realized that she was much better without me. But, I still missed her.
Boo was a different story altogether. I didn't miss her and I hadn't thought about her since I saw her two days ago. I had never gotten as close to her as she had hoped. That was definitely my fault. She only got to meet the façade I had out forth. She never got to meet the real person. Only Shorty knew the real me. Maybe someday I would call Boo and apologize for wasting three years of her life. But, honestly, I would probably never make that call.
I felt that I was probably not going to see Pretty Boy for a long time. I liked the lighter war and the fun we had keeping it a secret. I enjoyed telling Pretty about hip-hop music that he had never heard. He was a good friend and I was going to miss him.
My relationship with Smoked Out had always been strictly business. In the past three days, Smoked had gone out of his way to help me with Tough. I hope he didn't think I would forget that. I owed Smoked a favor, and I fully intended to pay it back. I had enjoyed my business relationship with Smoked and I had called him to ask if it was all right to have No continued the transactions. Smoked was a businessman, and he agreed. I hoped that No and Smoked were able to make each other very rich.
Tough Guy was no longer alive, so I didn't need to worry about him, ever again.
Soft Spoken. I hadn't really come to terms with his death. I really couldn't believe that he was gone. I always thought that it would be No's grave that I would visit. No was supposed to be the reckless and suicidal brother. Soft was always the quiet and compassionate brother. His loss would never be straight with me. His death had been the catalyst for my decision to get out of the game. Someday, when I had a real job and real life, I would visit Soft's grave and try to be at peace with him, and myself.
No was my only family, now. I needed to make sure his life was as secure as possible. I had told him that I wanted to leave my house, car and connection to him. I also mentioned that, as a gift, there were two pounds of hydro in the trunk of my car. The weed would be my way of starting No off in the best way. He was going to make fifteen thousand immediately. No would have money, power and a nice roof over his head. I hoped that would be enough. I had no delusions that he would be willing to change his life. I could see it in his eyes when he dealt with Tough that he had a taste for this type of life. Basically, No lived the streets. I just hoped they wouldn't be the end of him. But, seeing as I knew how No handled himself, I wasn't too worried.
On the drive to the airport, No did surprise me. He looked at me while we were in traffic and I could see the loneliness in his eyes. He said,
"You're the only family that I have left. When I was in jail last night, I remember thinking that it wasn't really that bad because, after I got out, I could go stay with my brothers. But, then I got out of jail and
"brothers"turned into "brother". Now you're leaving, and I don't have any family".
I told No that we would always be brothers, I just couldn't be around here anymore. Then I asked if he wanted to come with me? No looked out the window at the pouring rain. He said,
"I can't. This is my life."
This was indeed the life that No had chosen.
Poser's Dictionary
THROWING
ME A BEATING- to get beaten up
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