The Making of The Tin Man and Me, Part 6
by Kimberly Carson

Jesse drove him in a stunned silence. She didn't want to think, didn't want to cry and didn't want to be. She wanted to escape, run away, find a way out of here, now. She wanted to empty herself of him, get rid of her knowingness of him, detach from her thoughts of him, break free from the place in her heart that felt bound to him. She wanted it to be the way it was before him. She didn't want to smell him on her clothes, or taste him on her lips. She wanted to purge the memory of how it felt to be wrapped in his arms. She wanted to erase from her mind all their conversations and delete every reminder of him to come.

She tried concentrating on driving, but her mind was heading into turmoil at warp speed, and she couldn't stop it or even slow it down. Jesse made a half hearted attempt at centering herself and claimed more boldly than she felt, "Be here now." Then, in a voice more indicative of her state, she cried, "Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Screw now." Holding back the tears she knew would never stop once they started, she began talking to God as if a presence sat beside her in the car.

"I don't know if I'm right that he will never trust again. All the men I have carelessly given my heart to, and this is the one I take a stand against? I'm either a complete fool or braver than I ever imagined. It wasn't meant to be, and I don't know how I can be so sure of this when so many signals pointed to our developing a strong connection. God, even the worst bond he and I could have would still be a far sight better than I've had so far. What have I done?"

Tears formed, but she held them off. "I didn't even give him a chance. I didn't give us a chance. But I knew. Almost from the beginning, I knew." Her mind believed her, but her heart was still putting up a mighty fight. "How did I know? What if I'm wrong? Oh, my God, don't let me have been wrong, please and if I am, don't ever let me find out!"

Emotional fatigue was setting in and slowing down the slew of emotions, and a welcome numbness came over Jesse's body. Then, the proverbial next phase approached, and she turned it on God. "What the hell was that even for?! What was the point of this whole encounter?! What?!!" Arguing with the universe was a conflict she'd never won, but this fact did little to sober her wrath. She stopped talking out loud as if giving the silent treatment to God would create her desired victory. She chose to ignore the thought that crept in, suggesting that if she let her silence be on her own behalf, she might actually accomplish something.

As she pulled into the driveway, she was surprised to realize she was home. She thought hard for a moment about what she remembered last: driving around the lake. That was twenty miles ago.

Everything in the house looked different, the way a place can look when you've been gone a long time, and your perspective has changed so much that reality literally shifts into alignment with this new perspective. The walls seemed to embrace her and cuddle her as she walked around, not yet ready to go upstairs, but not really having anything to do downstairs. She went into the kitchen because it was a room she moved around in with confidence, but once there just stood looking around as if seeing it for the first time.

She suddenly felt older and noticed that any movement seemed unfamiliar, as if her body no longer belonged to her. Nick was at the end of every thought, every motion, every feeling. No matter which way she turned physically or mentally, he was there. "Go away, Nick." She whispered and even the sound of her voice gave her pause. She made her way over to the staircase and took each step slowly, resisting the final destination.

At the top of the stairs, she began chiding herself for succumbing to the intensity of the feelings, but a moment later something very odd began to happen. She felt dizzy and grabbed the banister to steady herself. This is where he kissed me for the first time, she heard herself say. She tried to move, but found she couldn't. There was a force holding her still, and everything around her now became fuzzy and seemed far away. Her mind became unfocused, and her body started having pulsing-like sensations all over that she'd never felt before. She was intensely aware of the area just inches beyond her skin and she remained still, not because she couldn't move, but now didn't want to.

Her mind emptied of thoughts, and she was unable to form any words. The pulsation throughout her body was ebbing, and she looked down at her hands and legs as if there might be some visual sign of what she was experiencing. Colors. She began to see colors. Her mind drew her attention to locations in her body and she saw different colors at each area. Jesse became aware of her heart chakra, and it was here that the first thought invaded her mind. Nick. The pulsing leaped outward from her, and she again reached for the bannister. He was everywhere now. He was in all her thoughts; she felt him in every fiber in her body, and he was the power behind every emotion that flooded into her being. His presence was uncontrollable, undeniable and completely penetrated her entire energy field. She could actually feel the substance of his presence on her skin and in the space surrounding her body. His smell, his taste, his touch; his spirit was right there with her, pressing up against her causing her to feel...too much.

"Go away, Nick! Please."

She took a step forward and found she could move now, and went into the bathroom to shower, hoping to wash away this, this whatever, down the drain. Only the shower made it worse. The warm water accentuated his scent, the tingling of the water spraying on her naked body were his hands, fingers, tongue; the sound of the pounding water instead of drowning her thoughts made them echo back to her. He was here, and there was no escaping it. She got out of the shower and stood in the center of the room and breathed. She surrendered to this substance that possessed the combination of their merged energies, and the dam she'd been holding up to keep the flood of tears at bay began to erode before her eyes. Throwing a towel around herself, she made her way into the bedroom, but stopped before going in. She eyed the room suspiciously, as if a ghost of Nick would jump out at any moment. She still wasn't sleeping in here, only it wasn't because the remodeling wasn't done. The room had been done for a week. She had only slept in this room one time, and that had been with Nick.

She stood at the doorway and looked around the room. Thoughts drifted through her mind, but she gratefully attached to none of them. In her stillness, she noticed her feelings and attempted to blow them out away with her exhalation. She saw the window seat where he had taken her hand and suggested they take a shower. She saw the mirror they'd stood in front of together playing with each other's bodies. She looked at the bed where they'd satisfied what seemed like an ancient hunger for one another. She looked over at the bookcase, and what she saw took her breath away and with it the last sand bag holding up the dam. On the table next to the bookcase was the book Nick had not placed back on the shelf as he had the other ones he browsed through that night. It was a fairly new book to her library and one she'd been reading off and on in the past few months and had discussed parts of with him. It was titled, I Will Never Leave You. She crumpled down onto the floor beneath her and sobbed.

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