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"Never." Nick's tone was too harsh, and he realized this instantly. He meant it, though, and there was no point concealing it.
She turned her gaze on him now, and he looked her square in the eyes.
"I won't, Jesse. I will never get married again. I'm sorry." He had used Jesse, not Jessie.
She decided to play it down for the moment and said, "Don't apologize to me. I wasn't fishing. The subject was bound to come up. I want to get married again, Nick and I'm not sorry. This does raise a question, though. What are you doing with me?" She tilted her head to the side looking at him expectantly. The silence was intensifying and she was tempted to fill it but breathed instead.
"I don't know. Enjoying the time we have together. I honestly don't know, Jesse. Look, you are as close as I've ever come to a
soul mate, but it's a bit premature to be having this discussion, don't you think?"
"I agree that it's premature for you and I to be discussing whether or not we want to get married, but it's not unreasonable to have somewhat of an understanding about what our goals are, especially ones that might have an effect on the course of our relationship. We're not sixteen, Nick, don't tell me you're just looking for a good time." Her emotions were charging.
"Well, I do want to have a good time-" Attempting to lighten up the moment, he failed miserably.
"And are you having a good time right now?" Jesse's pulse raced as her last chance at nonchalance went out the window. I don't want this to accept this particular moment fully.
"Not really."
"Nick, in all our conversations, I am certain I have said that I am still open to the possibility of marriage again, and I am fairly certain I mentioned that I am more ready for children. Did you not hear me say any of this?"
"Look, don't interrogate me like I'm some kid with my hand in the cookie jar. We've talked a lot. Jesse, look at me. We have a great time together, and I've never had something like this with anybody, but I made a promise to myself that I would never go through that again." His eyes were genuinely pleading with her.
Her tone softened, "Nick, I don't blame you. You have every reason and right to feel this way, and if this was ten years ago or even five I would not be concerned. But it's taken me a long time to reach this point in my life and stop apologizing for wanting to get married and finally admitting that not only do I want it but I deserve it. I understand that your experience with marriage devastated you, but doesn't this vow limit how all your future relationships are going to evolve? You and I do have something special, and that doesn't happen everyday."
"Jesse, I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either, Nick."
They sat in a tense silence for a while occasionally stealing a peek in the other one's direction. After a long uncomfortable period, he asked if they could go back to his place and talk some more. Neither of them wanted what was coming next, and postponing it was only going to make it harder. He held her hand tightly as they walked out into the cold night air, and she leaned into him.
His house was more homey than she expected, and the moment she walked in she sensed all the ghosts that haunted his heart and knew that she didn't belong here. It had taken her so long to get to the place inside where she was no longer ambivalent about wanting a committed, married relationship, and Nick swore he would never marry again. This was a deal breaker for Jesse, and while she did not consciously plot out how they would end this, she could feel herself preparing to pull away from this incredible person. He showed her the house, and there were more ghosts than she could count. It was not the house he had shared with his ex-wife and bought it after they split, but it was the kind of home a family lived in, and Jesse felt like an intruder. All the red flags started waving wildly in front of her, flapping in her face, smothering her. She couldn't breathe. The mood between them was guarded but tender, and they both wanted to be doing something other than anticipating anguish.
"Come with me, Jessie." He guided her into his bedroom and took her in his arms, and she tried to let their kissing relax her but couldn't. Jesse was acting flighty and restless and didn't stay long in any one position, and their fear paved the way for their passion to be transmuted into anger. She didn't want to be with him like this but couldn't bear not being with him at all. Or ever again.
He lay over her, naked, wanting her and knowing she was slipping away.
"What's better than this, Jesse?" He whispered in her ear.
"What's the greatest gift a lover can give?" Jesse asked as he thrust himself into her.
"An orgasm." He answered breathlessly.
"That can't be." She said as she arched up to receive him.
"Why not?" They paused for a moment.
"That's not what I give you. It's what you give you."
"Any gift given is received by the sender and recipient." He pressed himself into her and kissed her long and hard. That he even understood this made Jesse's heart do a somersault.
"Maybe it's looking into one another's eyes during orgasm." Jesse suggested, making reference to the night they volleyed this around.
"Using my name." He offered.
"Never saying no."
"Always saying yes." They giggled and took a break, letting his sweat drip down onto her already glistening chest.
"Nick, what am I giving you right now?" She whispered fiercely.
"Freedom." His answer was unexpected.
"That can't be." She said.
"Why not?" He said with irritation.
"I don't feel free." The emotion in her voice made her hoarse.
"Love. My love. Is that it , Jessica? Is that the highest gift?" Angrily.
"Don't call me that in bed. And no, Nick, it's not love." Responding to his anger with her own.
Their thrusting ebbed and silently he held her shoulders to steady himself and then sat them both upright and put his hands on either side of her face, making her tears fall.
"Tell me, Jesse." He gently kissed her.
Suddenly she was the wild animal getting spooked by all the noise the ghosts were making. He got out of bed and walked over to his desk that was really a drafting table and picked up an envelope, took out the contents and held it out to her. She didn't look at the papers, but tried instead to read his face.
"My divorce papers." Unsigned. His face was tense. Her heart broke. They couldn't go on from here and be who they truly needed to be in life right now. Not together, anyway. They looked at each other and held their gaze for what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes. They both spoke at the same time.
"I'm sorry." They both said making them fall into each other's arms, and they both spoke again at the same time.
"I know." They held each other tightly while they privately battled their respective realities. After a while, they moved back to look into each other's eyes and kissed briefly, finally, Jesse knew. He began to talk about how their life could look if they stayed together as they were now and asked what would be so terrible about this picture.
"I don't want a picture, Nick. I want you. I want to see you. All of you. Your weakness, your strength, your beauty and I want to trust you can see my beauty even when it's not pretty. It's innocence, Nick, the greatest gift we can give one another is our innocence. I want all of you, Nick, and it would be dishonest to agree to anything less?" She pleaded.
"I don't have any, Jesse. Innocence. I'm out." He turned away from her, and she didn't see the tears in his eyes.
"That can't be true, but more importantly, you believe it." He didn't see the ones in hers.
And all of him wasn't available, and they both knew it. It went from tense to yucky at warp speed, and Jesse had to get this over with. She chose her words too carefully, and as a result she didn't think she sounded very cohesive. Her mind was trying to stay rational and resolute, but her heart was screaming at her to shut up. She forced herself to say what she had to say, but she was outside her body now looking at herself, watching as she jumbled words, hesitated and tried desperately not to run away from this awful moment. This confused and frustrated him, and he withdrew further behind his protective armour. Jesse was angry that he would never trust her and scared that if she walked out that door right now she would never see him again. After exhausting the same words over and over he said, "Jesse, don't give up on me," as he looked deep into her eyes. What does that mean, she wondered? How long did he expect her to wait?
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