The Power of Pan
This reminded Jesse of the mural she used to have on the ceiling in her place in Pasadena, and how centering its message always was for her.
"Don't talk to me like that! Please! I don't want to know that there is, or might be, something other than what I can see with my eyes. I don't know what to believe about God, or my soul, but I do know that I have to go to work, take care of my son and pay my bills. I can depend on those things. I understand those things." Julia's confusion was heartbreaking to witness.
"Is that really enough for you, Jules?" Jesse asked.
"Yes, Jesse, it really is enough for me, and I don't even have enough time for that." She shot back.
"When someone has been imprisoned for a long time in a sort of solitary confinement, the first time they step out into the light of day, the sunshine they craved for so long nearly blinds them and causes them extreme pain. After the initial shock, their vision adjusts and they are able to take in the warmth and life giving force of the sun's light." Jesse knew she'd gone a bit too far out on a limb with this, but no limb, no fruit, and all that, she hoped, but Julia was quiet for too long.
"I don't crave anything, Jesse, I'm happy. You're the one that seems to be searching for something while the rest of us just handle our lives. Grow up, Jesse. Don't you think it's about time you grew up?"
Jesse thought about this for a moment and considered whether or not it was true. "That's possible. But I don't need to grow up and be you."
We have ignition, Jesse realized, as she saw her sister's fuse light up.
"It's pretty easy to call the shots from the bench, isn't it, Jesse? You philosophize life instead of living it, and use all these new age buzz words as though spiritual platitudes will change everything. Well, it won't change anything! It just makes you feel better, and that's really all that's important, isn't it, how you feel? You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself, and all your psychoanalyzing is just narcissistic self-absorption to keep you from getting out there and actually having to deal with life like the rest of us.
"Frankly, I think you guys are delusional to buy into this angel crap. It's just another pie in the sky scheme invented to keep you from dealing with reality. For years, I've listened to you preach about loving your neighbor, and it's bull shit, Jesse! My neighbor is an idiot who can't even remember to move his car every Wednesday for the street
sweeper or cancel his paper when he goes out of town for a week. I'm sorry, but I don't want to love anyone that stupid.
"Your answer to everything is to forgive. In the real world, there's no room for such Pollyannaish nonsense. Forgive! You try to forgive the woman who said she only left her for a minute. A minute was all it took, and her baby drown in the bathtub with her own mother in the house. You talk to the dumb broad who for the hundredth time has been smacked
around but won't leave because he's a nice guy when he doesn't drink. Who am I supposed to forgive, him or her?
"And what about the parent who abandons their child because of a great job or a new bimbo, but assures that poor child they'll call. Yeah, they'll call, because that's all it takes to be a parent. You want me to forgive that! How is some family supposed to forgive and get through the rest of their lives after their child has been killed by a drunk driver? You think some chant's going to get them over this?
"And what about the guy that was drunk, and killed that child? Are you going to tell me all he has to do is forgive himself, and he doesn't have to rot in hell for the rest of eternity? You have no idea what reality is like Jesse, so it's easy for you to preach some self-made concoction of a God that would have the audacity to suggest that I chose this crap! Screw you, Jesse. Go back to your cave where it's safe from the real world, and let the rest of us get on with life."
Julia whipped around and stormed into the house, slamming the door behind her.
Interesting, thought Jesse, not only did she not let me answer, but I've never seen Julia walk out on a conversation in my entire life.
"Hey, Jesse, how's it goin?"
"Well, hi Tim, how are you? I've never seen you up here before. Uh-oh, what are we doing tonight?"
"Cloud sitting's not my strong suit, that's for sure. William had to give me a leg up. Volunteering. That's what I'm here to talk to you about. Did Annie tell you that I'm a petty thief?"
"Well, uh, yes, she did." She answered uncomfortably.
"See, you think I should be embarrassed or ashamed. But why should I be any more embarrassed for robbing someone than they should be for drawing robbery to them? Someone has to be Judas, haven't you said that?"
Jesse considered his position.
"So you're saying that if people stopped drawing crime to them, crime would stop? Okay, I've seen that before, just not like this, I mean, not from the other side, so to speak."
"Nice pun. I volunteered for this because I get a chance to touch a lot of souls who need my touch. At the moment I take whatever it is I'm stealing from them, I give them a seed. The seed has to touch their skin, and instantly penetrates the dense body, and when the influences are right, the seed sprouts and from it grows an ether blossom of trust which will grow if the soul nourishes it properly."
"How can they know they need to nourish it if they don't know it's there?"
"Their soul knows it's there and will send messages; some listen, some don't. Anyway, who really needs to be instructed that trust needs nourishment? This is why I'm a one-minute angel."
"A one-minute angel?"
"That's all the patience I have for ego lessons. One of these days I'll work on that, maybe do what William does and be an orientation angel! Hah! I can hear them laughing already." He chuckled at the sight.
"You can hear who laughing?" Jesse asked.
"The Contract Committee. You'll remember it eventually. You meet with all the central people in your life before incarnating to establish the lessons, and develop sacred contracts. See, we're volunteers. For everything. Well, that does it for me, Jesse. See you." He turned to her, took her hand and said tenderly, "You were very brave." He kissed her on the cheek and disappeared. Jesse was wiping her eyes when Annie sat down beside her.
"Good evening, darling, how are you tonight? Tim does have a tender side, doesn't he?"
"Hi, Annie. Yes, he does. How come after we learn something we have to keep learning it?"
"We devote more energy to the belief in fear than the belief in love. Call on the power of Pan."
"What's that?"
"The line from Peter Pan when he proclaims, 'I am youth! I am joy! I am freedom!' Practice being that confident and Self-possessed." Gesturing a capital 's'.
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