Haunted Halo
On her next trip to town, Jesse decided to stop by the Indian camp again to see if Levi was there. She saw a man down by the river as she pulled
up and walked over to where he sat.
"Hello, are you Levi?" Jesse said cheerfully.
"I am."
Jesse held out her hand which he made no move to take, and she awkwardly dropped it.
"I'm..."
"I know who you are. What can I do for you?" He said flatly, which left Jesse was puzzled. He seemed to know her and not like her, but she didn't know why. Jesse had been asking some questions around town, but did not feel she had been out of line.
"I'm working on a research project on the history of the area, and I was wondering if you would answer some questions for me."
"I've already answered questions. No more answers. Unless there is something else you need, I have things to do." With this he got up and walked up toward the camp leaving her stunned. What just happened?
She would not be dismissed and followed after him.
"Excuse me, have I missed something? You said you knew who I was, and you seem to have a problem with me. My project is only to find out some history about Plaik'ni Inn. I'm not trying to cause a problem with anyone." Jesse tried to keep her voice calm, but knew it sounded defensive anyway. It was as if this man was the crystallization of how she'd been feeling about herself lately with other people, but she knew this was crazy. Or was it? He studied her for a moment.
"What are you expecting to find, Jesse?" He used her name in a way that seemed familiar, and it connected with something inside her, but she couldn't see what it was. Now it was Jesse's turn to study him and calculated that she had one sentence in which to persuade him to talk to her.
"I want to find out why the inn seems so... human, as if there's a presence there that may be the result of some piece of history that would explain why it comes to life when filled with people, seems to droop when empty and how it has such a mind of its own." That was it; that was the best I could do, she said to herself.
"Sorry, I can't help you." He turned and walked into his hut.
"You mean won't." Jesse said to the empty space. Why was he so dismissive with me? I've read several accounts that he's given about the local history, so why was he shutting me down? His reaction didn't help her frame of mind, and she was feeling lonelier than ever. Jesse felt discouraged, defeated and alone. She remembered the line from Prather in
The Quiet Answer:
If I cannot make this person stop condemning me, I can fail to analyze his motives and rest from defending my actions, because my mind will build a case for universal innocence as easily as it will look for personal guilt.
She knew there were friends she could call, but felt like a failure calling them in such a gloomy mood. Calling a friend long distance would only be a reminder that she did not have a close confidante here. Everything had been going so well, and now it was all such a struggle.
What changed? External circumstances. She reminded herself that this isn't a measure of inner peace.
The hell it isn't, she argued. Yeah, go ahead, Jesse, get a good argument going with reality, that will help,
she told herself. Her research project was interesting, but Levi's attitude soured her, and she felt disconnected from the area she had just recently grown to love. The house held no comfort for her any more, and she watched it come alive when filled with people more from backstage, instead of from within its bosom. In her mind, she knew there was something she wasn't giving, but challenged the universe anyway, "If I had what's lacking in this situation to give, than it wouldn't be lacking!" She was not a good navigator here. Change was too easy for her, and when struggles surfaced, she tended to fantasize about a possible escape route. Even her angelhood no longer held any allure, and if she did have wings right now, they were dragging on the ground.
Later that evening, their folks called to say they would be up in a couple of weeks, providing the sisters a much needed distraction from one another. Also, Jesse hoped, during their visit she would get a chance to ask some more questions about the angelship—privately. After cleaning up that evening, Jesse retreated to her room and read for the rest of the night, wanting only to be transported to another world. She did a little journaling and tried to meditate, but
she was tired, and all the yucky feelings from earlier in the day came back for a visit. She asked the walls to tell her what she needed to know. Nothing. Well, Jesse thought, maybe the answer lies beyond the silence. There could only be truth in this.
She read again and again what she had written in her journal and didn't understand how it related to the recent events:
Collectively, we activate the force of gravity, so that we'll all stay put until such time that it isn't necessary to stay in the time and space continuum. Gravity is the spiritual glue that binds us together until we are wise enough to trust each other, and stay together without it.
Feeling gloomy and confused, she crawled into bed and fell asleep.
"Good evening, Jesse, how are you tonight?" Annie's voice asked.
"Great. Hi, Annie, oh, hi Rita and William. How are you guys tonight? Wow. Everyone's here. What's the special occasion?"
"Hey." Rita said, smacking her gum.
"Good evening, miss," William said with a nod of his head.
"Jesse, tonight we're going to have a review. William and Rita have been asked to be present in the event the energy vibration becomes too challenging. Let's begin."
Jesse thought her words sounded ominous, and an uneasy suspicion of what was about to happen came over her, despite the knowledge that these were friends.
"What's going on, Annie?"
Annie looked deeply into Jesse's eyes and said, "Do you trust me?"
"Yes." Trustingly.
"Do you believe that I only want your good?"
"Yes." Not as trusting.
"Do you want to get beyond your resistance?"
Without answering, Jesse took a deep breath and let it go.
"Do you see the light around that woman? Go, now, and remember to focus on the light, Jesse."
Jesse reluctantly approached, moving slowly and not knowing what to expect, but certain she would find out soon enough. She raised her arms and Tim said from behind her, "Love what is, Jesse. Focus on the light." His voice was gentle and his words reassuring, and because of this she had a sense of dread for what was about to happen. Then she saw it.
"Oh, my God, no! No! No! No! Oh, God, please, no. Not this. Annie, no, I can't do this. Please. Tim, let me go!" She screamed. His hands held her there, gently, but purposefully.
All four of their voices came at the same time. "Focus on the light, Jesse, focus on the light."
"No! No! I won't. Not with this. No!" Jesse howled.
Instantly, Annie, William and Rita stood behind Tim and Jesse, all of them with their arms out holding the woman's light and trying to keep Jesse there.
"Love what is. Focus on the light. Love what is. Focus on the light. Say it, Jesse. You don't even have to believe it right now, just say it." Annie instructed.
"No, God, no, Annie, I can't. Pleeeease. Let me go." Jesse was sobbing, and her body went limp. The others held her up in their arms.
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