Haunted Halo
Over the next few weeks, a tempo developed between the merry maids whose song was somber and dance sullen. Friday through Monday, the two sisters put on a hospitable show, but as soon as the last guest left they retreated to their respective corners. Jesse let her light shine until Julia came into a room and lit things more brightly, so Jesse let hers quietly go out, unnoticed. The house wept.
Embarrassed by her prideful withdrawal, Jesse escaped by losing herself in her writing, hiking and research of the area, while Julia and Jarrod went on lots of outings, going to movies and shopping on their days off. Jesse knew that Julia, too, needed to build her confidence and plant her roots here, but Jesse felt the roots she started weren't getting enough light. She knew in her mind that Julia was not deliberately casting a shadow over her efforts to be friendly with people, but her feelings were still hurt that the moment Julia entered a room the spotlight immediately shone on her. Living in separate worlds like this was going to make it a long, dreadful season. And what about afterward? Julia wasn't doing anything intentionally hurtful, and this intensified Jesse's dilemma. Julia was simply being herself and her light shined so brightly it illumined to Jesse how dim hers really was, and this is what hurt.
Or, Jesse considered, I'm using Julia as an excuse not to let my light shine. Why are relationships so difficult? It can't be the love that's so hard.
She remembered the Course stating: our job is not to seek out love but to seek out all the ways in which we block its coming. Jesse was confused, and although she resisted admitting it, resentful. Her life recently had been the pinnacle of success in every area, and she resented the universe stripping her of the qualities that attested to the fact she had at last, grown up. Family was the one area growth and maturity hadn't fully reached, and the place Jesse lost touch with her beingness, so instead reacted from pure, unadulterated ego.
Arguing with reality takes so much energy, she noticed. God, why won't I just be quiet?! She recalled a minister's words: Resentment is the re-sending of the perceived offense boomeranging back to us.
Lovely.
During her run one morning, she remembered an adage: when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. In her fantasy, however, she envisioned this looking like a scene from the Karate Kid, with the wise old sage gently prodding, "Yes, grasshopper, this is the way." The reality is more like a friend described, "The idiots are our best teachers." Jesse hardly considered Julia an idiot, but she was entirely unprepared to accept her as a teacher.
Why not, she challenged? The ark, the covenant of God, the doorway to the rapture, is entered in twos. The stairway to heaven is a journey in conscious cooperation. We go to heaven with whomever is in front of us at the moment. It's easy to go with someone who does not push our buttons, but it is precisely the ones who do that through the ark we shall arrive.
Well, Jesse lamented, if I know this, how come I don't act like it? Another myth of mysticism: knowing the truth and setting it free are two very different lessons. Our soulmates aren't the ones harmoniously resonating our nature creating a celestial chorale, but the ones causing such dissonance that we howl like a dog drowning out the sounds of a siren. Soulmates are the ones who piss us off the most expeditiously. It's their calling card.
"You're not making this easy." Julia declared one afternoon as they cleaned the rooms together. Jesse knew better than to think she could get away with a polite response, and figured time had run out on Julia accepting her curt replies to these inquisitions about the tense status quo.
"I'm adjusting." Jesse answered, not making eye contact.
"It seems likes you're mad a lot." Julia would not be blown off and Jesse knew this.
"I'm not mad, Jules. This is different for us." Jesse wanted to be honest, but also didn't believe anything could change by discussing things with Julia, so she felt defeated at the gate.
Why was it always a competition? It's so exhausting.
"Look, we both like to be in charge, and it feels like I defer to your dominance to keep the peace. Let's give this more time before we examine everything. Let it be for a while."
Was that the truth, she asked herself, or the ego's pathetic retort?
"Are you saying I'm dominating?" Julia demanded indignantly.
"Well, okay, Jules, this is not a news flash, but it's not even the point. This is going to take some time to get into a routine that works for us. Please don't make issues of things right now. Change takes time. This is a big change for everyone." Jesse pleaded.
"It sounds like you're feeling sorry for yourself; what are your words? A pity party?" Julia persisted.
Jesse's defenses were primed and ready to go, "Yeah, well, you're not invited!" She heard herself say, and before she could regain control, her emotions shot out past the edge of the barricade, and she attacked Julia from any angle she could find. The roles were reversed now, and it was Julia letting Jesse rant and rave about feeling hopeless, and not in charge of her own life any more. Jesse felt extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable emoting like this, especially with the one person who made her feel small and weak.
"I haven't done anything to make you feel out of control of your life, Jesse. We had this place dropped in our laps, and I'm trying to make the best of it, but you don't seem to be carrying your end. I thought you said moving here wouldn't interfere with the plans you had for yourself." Julia yelled.
"Julia, I never had a plan for my life!" Jesse said in a pitiful tone that invoked an old, familiar self-loathing.
Don't do this to yourself, Jesse, she heard another part of her say.
"Neither did I, Jessie." Julia countered.
"But yours looks like you did."
"Maybe it's because I pay more attention to the real world. Come to think of it, if you're so convinced of this ridiculous angel business, how come you don't feel light?" Julia was enjoying this new line of debate too much, and Jesse could not overpower
her but would not be deterred from her self-destructive mission, and the argument continued until they heard the door downstairs announcing a guest.
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