Two By Two
Jesse woke up early and took an extra long walk and run, and got back early enough to start making Julia's favorite breakfast: fried potatoes smothered in melted cheese. Julia came in a while later and put on some bacon, and they chatted comfortably as they went about their tasks. Julia seemed more perky, but now it was Jesse who was feeling guarded and reserved. The energy in the house seemed to have shifted, too, from peace and harmony to edgy and uneasy.
The house, or me, Jesse wondered? Maybe the house is a hologram, she considered. Jesse smiled to herself when she imagined Julia expecting angel paraphernalia to be adorning every corner of the house in honor of their recently discovered identities. Julia noticed and asked Jesse what she was smiling about, and for some unknown reason Jesse told her. Julia's posture instantly became defensive and assured Jesse in no uncertain terms that she could have as many angels around as she wanted, but she was a little too busy herself for such things. Jesse scolded herself for being such a dope and tarnishing the pleasant mood.
It was as if I had baited her, she noticed later. She hadn't really expected Julia to embrace this angel-ship, but still hoped it meant something positive to her sister. Jesse was not wearing the angel pin and kept it in her pocket pinned to her shorts or jeans. It felt private to her and not a piece of jewelry to be worn as a mere accessory.
Well, then, she chided, isn't it possible that Julia also values the angel-ship, but prefers to keep it private? This immediately induced a sense of guilt for baiting Julia, and she tried to listen to the emotions beyond the guilt. Guilt is the same mistake in another form, she remembered from Prather. What's behind the guilt? It has to be worthiness; it's always worthiness. My ego's in a pissing contest, she realized; how utterly attractive! Jesse was resisting Julia more than she cared to
acknowledge and provoked herself into a competition over who was the most necessary body or the most advanced or worthy angel.
Good grief, she thought, shut up! At times like this, it was hard to be gentle with the ego.
Tension remained in the air as Julia and Jesse ate, and soon Jarrod came down to eat, keeping to himself, perhaps noticing the uncomfortable silence. They all cleaned up together, and afterward Julia began dispatching instructions for unloading the van. Most of her furniture would have to live in storage, with the exception of the bedroom stuff, and other than replacing the bed and some pictures she would move right into the room opposite Jesse's, their parent's room. Their folks had taken the big stuff to Arizona, but there were still a couple of chairs, rugs and odds and ends. Julia had impeccable taste in clothing and interior decor, and her home always looked like the feature story in
Better Homes and Gardens. Julia could paint a room in less time than it took most people to clean one, and it was she who accomplished the major decorating at the inn, after their folks established the theme for each room. In her typically persistent fashion, she would argue with them over certain details, then call Jesse, exasperated, when their mom would finally end the discussion with, "This is the way it has to be." Jesse didn't think much of the comment at the time and figured her mom was simply trying to stand up to Julia's bulldozing style. Now, Jesse wondered. The Reeds said the house loved mom, and the guest rooms were an extreme departure from her usual conservative, simple taste, so she was curious about the real story.
Jesse floated around the perimeter of the area Julia was unpacking, and sensed a sadness from her sister that evoked enormous compassion for her right now. From her perspective, her life had literally been taken from her, and she had every right to feel angry and cheated. She had methodically, steadily worked hard building material security, tenure and a stable lifestyle that did not include surprises. Julia's entire life was designed precisely to serve her security needs, and nothing impractical, unpredictable or unexplainable was allowed entrance.
That's why I'm such an enigma to her, Jessse mused. Julia controlled life in ways that were visible, tangible and had measurable results.
She is more product oriented, and I am more process oriented, Jesse pondered.
I can walk away at any time from a small or monumental task, and not think twice about when or how it's going to get finished. Julia measures her worth by her accomplishments, I think, and I try to avoid that, Jesse decided.
Jesse called them both down to dinner around six and put on an extra happy face, but was staring at two fairly unhappy ones. Julia started in on their folks about their selfishness, dumping this place on them, and Jesse let her knee-jerk reaction go unchecked.
"Julia, you do not have to be here." What the hell had I just said? Why do I do this? Jesse asked.
"Oh, sure. And, you're going to run this place all by yourself, and make me feel guilty because I had a life...." and there would be no stopping her now. Jarrod made a quick get-away, and the sisters yelled and attacked for hours, concluding the evening by slamming their bedroom doors, shutting off any chance of resolving anything tonight. Jesse was furious at her hypercritical, narrow-mindedness, and while somewhat sympathetic, Jesse really believed Julia had a choice, and Julia really believed she didn't. How were we ever going to find a common ground big enough and sturdy enough to run this place cooperatively and harmoniously? Long after the house was silent, Jesse went outside and talked to God. She sat on the hillside looking up at the house. It was drooping sorrowfully.
The guests during the weekend forced them all to put on smiles and be pleasant. Julia
could unleash the artillery of her emotions at a phenomenal rate, but she could also charm a cobra out of its basket without the aid of a flute. In social settings, she
was warm, funny and easy to talk to about any subject. Jesse's charm is more tentative, and she doesn't relate easily to others, considering idle chit-chat to be superficial and inane. Julia transformed the ten minute welcome and tour into an hour long event which the guests didn't want to end. It wasn't Jesse's show any more, and too soon she could feel the waves of resentment building. Old wounds getting poked and prodded. Jesse argued with God that she had been mostly happy to be here and had done okay on her own, and it was Julia that had resisted reality and felt exiled here, yet the guests clearly looked to her first for questions or comments, and Jesse's presence was regarded politely, if at all. It wasn't fair.
Jesse felt banished to the kitchen, to the "servants quarters", her Leo moon melodramatically pointed out to no one, and tried to calm her raging fire. It had been a big deal for Jesse to shed her hermit clothes for a hostess apron, and Julia waltzed in here and managed to accomplish in ten minutes what Jesse had rehearsed for weeks. Jesse recognized that she was acting envious of personality traits, and that Julia was not purposefully raining on her parade.
The reasons didn't carry much weight at this point, and Jesse's emotions were strong and overwhelming, blocking out all rational thoughts. She knew she was in a field of emotional land mines, but kept walking. She hid in the kitchen all afternoon, glad for the diversion. Later that evening, the guests even asked Julia to join them for their dessert! At this point, Jesse was in the midst of a major pity party, fully catered with an assortment of petty grievances, courtesy of the ego. She cleaned up after them and dragged herself upstairs, feeling mighty sorry for herself. Once there, she felt restless and needed air so she went outside and sat with the moon as she had the night before.
The house seemed odd tonight, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Jesse felt odd too, but knew exactly what trigger she was white-knuckling. Jesse had the
privilege of a wise counselor years ago, who had the professional and emotional savvy to let her find her own way through the maze of life experiences, responses and perceptions to the place of healing and peace. As a result her self-awareness was highly developed, and though she may not always like what she
saw, she generally knew what's going on.
Tonight Jesse was not overly impressed with her emotional age. She was having a tantrum and retreating fast into her isolated cave. She asked herself who she would be without these negative thoughts and feelings. "I would be a person free to just be. Actually, I don't even want to have dessert with them; I just want to be asked." Good grief! "Who would I be if I dropped that?"
Free. She couldn't say it out loud because she knew it would make her cry and bring her to her knees.
Yes, by all means Jesse, don't do what will help.
In her journal she wrote a sentence, and let it be her mantra that night:
We judge others when we want them to learn our lessons.
"Hi Rita. Where's Annie?"
"Busy, she'll be here soon."
"What are we doing tonight?"
"Minding our own business."
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"Most of the time, but, no, Annie asked me to show you how I mind my own business. You get it that we are not the thoughts we think, right?"
"Yes."
"You get it that the only thing we can change is our mind, right?"
"Yes."
"You get it that someone else's thoughts are none of your business, right?"
"Yes."
"There you go. Annie should be here shortly." She slipped over the edge of the cloud to leave.
"Wait, what!? That's it? That's your lesson? I thought you were a teacher! You didn't teach me anything." Jesse leaned out over the edge to continue talking.
"Apparently not, then. Look, if those are the rules than that's what I follow. What's the point of challenging the answer unless you have a better one? Do you have a better answer, Jesse?" Rita poked her head back up, irritated.
"No, but-"
"Stop. Go to your mind. See. Now look again. See only God. Gotta run. Annie's on her way. Bye, Jesse." She was gone.
"Hello, Jesse, how are you this evening?" Said Annie's soothing voice.
"Hi, Annie, fine, I guess."
"Rita doesn't waste much mental energy, does she?" Annie asked.
"That's one way of putting it."
"What's another way, Jessie?"
"There isn't, is there?"
"Ready?"
"Yes."
"Okay, over there. Go."
Jesse was about to raise her arms and felt a presence behind her, lifting her arms and holding them up. She turned her head slightly, and saw Tim's face right next to hers with his eyes closed, and realized he was assisting her. She focused on the
light and also saw a myriad of fear-based thoughts surfing in and out of the light. She tried to concentrate only on the light, but some of the thoughts that went swirling past her were simply ridiculous.
"Your thinking his thoughts are ridiculous, is ridiculous. See you, Jesse." Tim offered as he jetted off into the ether.
"Annnnnie!" She bemoaned dramatically, "Why can't I ignore them?"
"You believe in them. You've said it yourself, Jesse: if someone accused you of an untrue act, you would remain defenseless, however, if someone says something that on some level you believe may be true, you attack. They're projections, Jesse, don't forget. Now, come back, and let's try again."
Jesse saw this as improvement since her time night lighting had been relatively short until now. She went back to the cloud where Annie sat and saw her point to another light. Jesse went to it and perhaps it was only her imagination, but it seemed like her arms were already raised up by the time Tim arrived behind her, to hold the light with her. She closed her eyes and focused on the light.
"Wonderful." She heard both Annie and Tim's voice say in unison.
"Really?! Yeah!"
"See you soon, darling."
Jesse woke up smiling and felt lighter than air.
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