What We Resist, Persists
Jesse looked out the window at the morning sky that was still
dark, but clear, hoping for calm weather in the sister department, too, but knew
reality was setting in for both of them. Waking up at five-thirty to catch a
plane; to get home; start packing and leave her beloved life to form an
indefinite alliance with Julia, was a cold splash of a surreal reality. Jesse
was feeling withdrawn as they drove to the airport, and their discussion
immediately began with Julia directing Jesse's itinerary for the move. She
initially resisted the temptation to tell her to mind her own business, but
reached her tolerance threshold quickly and was in no mood for a power struggle.
Let's face it, she thought silently, if there's anything I have down pat, it's
moving.
"Julia, we both have enough on our plates right now, and
we each need to handle this in our own way. Going home right now makes me
anxious because it means I'll be leaving soon. I need to do this my way, and I
feel resistant to your help. Don't take it personally, I'm just anticipating the
sadness. Okay?" Tell the truth and come from love.
"I know, I just feel like I have so much to coordinate and
everything that comes in front of me gets put on this list of things to do. I'm
afraid once we separate, you'll back out." Bulls eye. Jesse didn't bother
getting defensive, for she knew that if she bristled, it meant there was some
truth to what Julia was saying. Self-awareness is not for pansies.
"That's fair. I can see that. I'm afraid once we separate,
we'll wake up and be in our normal lives again; like this was all a dream. I
could see you wanting to stay put more than me, but I'm not afraid of
that."
In the days that followed, Jesse made all the necessary
arrangements, got together with each of her amazing friends and watched from
outside of herself as everything came together as planned. It was like watching
a player piano. The music didn't need a pianist for the song to be played, and
this transition was going to occur regardless of her opinion.
At Julia's
insistence, they touched based every day, and Jesse filled her in on the latest
moving news mostly to assuage her sister's apprehensions. The trepidation of
partnering with Julia loomed in her future like a black, dark thunder cloud on
the horizon.
In a futile effort to relieve her anxiety, Jesse began arguing with
God, a debate she never wins. She couldn't do it. She couldn't live day in and
day out, side by side with her sister, it just wasn't going to happen. It felt
too much like she was being forced to trade her happiness for a familial
obligation, and this made her feel powerless and trapped. Please don't ask me to
do this, God, please. Anything but this. The panic set in and Base Camp Fear was
established. One evening and long into the night, Jesse prayed, panicked,
pleaded and plotted her escape route from the situation. She wrote out her fears
to God in her journal and then talked out loud of her concerns, as though a
nearby presence was listening. She flipped back to an entry from the previous
summer and read:
August 4, 1993:
Prayer treatment is not mystical hypnosis. The seeds of our
desires were planted in us by the Creator, so praying for them to occur simply
aligns us with the fruit of our desire. God knows what we need before we ask. So, why then, must we
ask? It's not in supplication or desperation that our requests are made known in
our prayers, but to ready us for the arrival of their answer. God doesn't need
us to pray; we need us to pray. We pray from the Christ consciousness that is at
the center of our being, not to a capricious God who grades us on the fervency of our request. Prayer is the American
Express card of the mystic. Never leave
home without it.
Jesse woke up the next day with her neck literally throbbing,
and she could barely move it in either direction. This had gotten out of hand,
and she knew better. That which we resist, persists, Jesse thought to herself.
How do we know when we're resisting? We're tight. Anywhere. Somewhere. At all.
It's illusory to believe we're stronger when we're tougher. Fear depends on
resistance to perpetuate itself. There is more strength in softness, especially
if we're two-ply, Jesse had read. The ark is entered two by two. Was she
supposed to align herself with Julia so that the two of them could cooperatively
and effectively run that place? That didn't seem possible. Insulate, don't
isolate, a minister suggested once during a class. The region of her dis-ease
was connected to power, and she sat with this for a while. Entering into a
partnership with such a dominant personality would certainly challenge her
ability to retain her sense of personal power. And we aren't talking garden
variety dominant personality here; we're talking dynamite wrapped in flesh.
Jesse had always been intimidated by her older sister, and she wondered if it
might be time to give that up. Ya think? She looked up in You Can Heal Your
Life, by Louise Hay:
Neck problems: Refusing to see other sides of a question.
Stubbornness, inflexibility.
Interesting, Jesse, thought, this is how I'd describe Julia.
Projection, projection!
Does non-resistance imply we are to be like spiritual puppets,
being moved every which way by the power of love? To never speak our own words
or think our own thoughts or go where we want to go? Um, well, hmmm,
actually.....YES. Something's pulling our strings anyway: old tapes, unhealed
memories, ego, current or archived thought patterns, etc. The ego does not exist
merely to be extinguished any more than fire exists solely to ravage the
landscape. When properly controlled, both are necessary for our survival. Out of
control, they are both destructive. The ego is an invention of the mind that
elected to separate from God. The human body is a survival mechanism; its
function being only to survive. All physical expression is the out-picturing of
the internal conduct of our mind. She picked up her copy of, A Course in
Miracles, and flipped pages until she found what she was looking for:
Our distorted perceptions produce a dense cover over miracle
impulses making it hard for them to reach our own awareness. The confusion of
miracle impulses with physical impulses is a major perceptual distortion.
Physical impulses are misdirected miracle impulses. All real pleasure comes from
doing God's will. This is because not doing it is a denial of Self. Denial of
self results in illusions while correction of the error brings release from it.
Do not deceive yourself into believing that you can relate in peace to God or to
your brothers with anything external.
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