Pack Wood, Feed Stoves
There are a few memories in storage where the sensory
experience is as vivid today as it was while it was first occurring. One of
these is the first time she had sex. Another is the first time her mind was
completely quiet for several continuous moments. The silence. She had to confess
that she wasn't entirely sure which was more of a thrill. The memory made her
smile and feel warm inside, as she prepared to face Julia. She was over her
desire to analyze her life's recent events, as she was fairly certain this would
serve no higher purpose. Practice staying present in each moment, she gently
reminded herself. Her mind kept going back to her mom's message, but reviewing
it time and again was tiring her out more than revealing anything important. She
focused on her breathing. Breathe slowly, in and out. Do only one thing.
The snow was beginning to fall again, and it was clear to Jesse
that Mother Nature was fulfilling her role in this drama by literally road-blocking them.
Seems to be a recurring theme for me lately, she noted. An
earthquake shook up my life, and now snow is keeping me here. Not even weather
is exempt from our ability to project, she mused. She'd read that weather is the
out picturing of the regional collective consciousness. Nothing we think is
powerless.
Jesse found Julia in the den examining the files their dad
prepared and tried to take her emotional temperature as she drank her coffee,
pretending to look interested. This uncomfortable silence can't last for long,
Jesse thought. Debating with her is like crocodile wrestling, but silence from
her is even more dangerous. It's like being in the water knowing the croc is
nearby, but not being able to see it.
"How'd you sleep?" Jesse asked. Start slow.
"Fine. Jessie, I have about three hundred things to think
about, and this angel nonsense is not one of them. I'll do everything else, but
not that. You can do what you want with it, but I'm doing nothing." Just
jump right in, Jesse thought, the water can only get hotter.
"Okay, but I think I see wings sprouting from your back,
so add that to your list." Jesse teased, but Julia didn't even smile. Back
off, Jesse told herself, give her time. Imagine being told I was Earthbound for
the rest of eternity; the shoes didn't feel so good. Back off, lovingly.
"I'm sorry, okay? This is a lot for me, too, Julia. You
aren't the only one whose life has been turned upside down." What the hell
was I thinking? What happened to backing off? Go ahead, be the red flag for the
bull, Toro! And off she went, ranting, raving, swearing, yelling, crying, asking
unanswerable questions, purging all of her shock, anger and outrage at
everything that had happened in her life, well, at the very least, the past
three days, but it sounded like more. Since Jesse didn't feel personally
responsible for Julia's anger, she was able to keep a calm center amidst the
cyclone of emotions, though she sent forth a few of her own gusts to keep things
rolling. This was probably a vital part of the adjusting process for both of
them. Coming from a family whose doctrine states: Thou Shalt Not Communicate,
Julia insists on expressing all traces of emotion, every single thought and
discussing situations unceasingly, until there is not an ounce of breath left
from which to speak.
After the tirade, the rest of the morning was spent plotting,
planning and preparing for the next phase of this drama that neither sister felt
they'd co-signed. After establishing Jesse would come up first, but would not
open the bar, and Julia would follow about a month later, Jesse called her boss
to give him a head's up on her plans. He was glad to hear nothing was wrong with
her folks, but rather surprised she was giving him her notice. It sounded like
he was going to be a gentleman, but Jesse knew it was because there was no hunt
involved. No cat, no mouse, no hunt. He couldn't tell the truth to save his life,
and if he could bait, trap and injure another for the sheer pleasure of it, he
would do it in a heartbeat. He loved the thrill of the hunt and wasn't
particular about his prey. He never went after her directly, but she felt he had
gone after others close to her and snared them, hoping to get her, too. He
employed villainous methods in constructing an agrestic empire, and with
sociopathic charm drew others like him into his bloody pool, feasting on the
ravaged remains of his victims like sharks. Not surprisingly, Ron played a central
role in Jesse finally digesting the whole forgiveness process, and for this she
was eternally grateful. It's a tough one, no doubt; a lifelong work in progress,
she imagined.
She still remembered the precise moment when the light clicked on
about forgiveness: it wasn't a religious concept; it didn't turn her into a
victim; didn't make anyone a felon; and it didn't mean endorsing the offense.
She ultimately understood that forgiveness was about freedom. Her freedom.
Forgiveness freed her from the chains that bound her to the hurt. This was
exciting. It was as if she had discovered some magical elixir she could use to
become clearer and lighter. Wow. Cool. So, of course, she wanted to test this
potion by practicing. The universe stepped right up to the plate and brought
slights, annoyances, insults and injuries, until she nearly cried ‘uncle.'
Boy, did she get to practice. After cutting her teeth on the fundamentals of
forgiveness, the legendary infinite wisdom decided she was ready for a mid-term
exam. That's when she got the job working for Ron, or R.J., as he liked to be
called, not knowing that his subordinates coined him Royal Jackass. She learned
through him it was a mistake to believe that by forgiving one who has injured us
gives them a power over us. Like a dog rolling over and exposing its soft
underbelly. The exact opposite is true. It is until we have forgiven that we let
them have the power to injure us further. It was also due to this man that Jesse
literally spent months on a section in A Quiet Answer:
Why do we resist loving certain people? Is it not because we
have judged someone and do not want to unite with what we believe is a
distasteful reality? If his character were as we believe it to be, our
resistance to him would be reasonable and correct. The ego does suspect that
love joins complete with everything it sees, but it does not suspect that
everything love sees is desirable and only what love sees is real. Suggestion:
In the presence of this person you dislike, either thought of or before you now,
gently release yourself from your defensiveness. Become harmless before him.
Become as blameless as rain falling on grass. Slowly lay down your armor and
breathe away your piercing screams of fear. Quiet all thoughts of objection,
however mild or great. Then open as a flower to the sun: without effort and
without thought. As all defenses fall away, you will see plainly that your fears
were groundless. Only your judgments frightened you, not this gentle child of
God who yearns only for what you yearn: to be seen as innocent in all he truly
wants.
©2004 StoriesByEmail.com
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