How Far Is Too Far? Your Instructor is Professor Taltos
Dear Prof.
How
do you introduce a fetish to your mate without frightening them off?
Carl
Dear Carl,
Thanks for the question. Let’s
see if we can help you decide how to diplomatically work your way into the
subject. You weren’t clear on what kind of fetish we’re talking about, so
I’m going to assume that this is a wee bit different from the norm for you
and yours. Let’s deal with some of the more common type of fetishes, and
hopefully this will be of some help for you.
To begin with fetishes can be the driving force
(pardon the pun) in a sexual encounter. Let’s face it: when the relationship is
new, and the sex is new, that’s when the best fun is to be had. The feeling of
adventure and the suspense of the wait only adds to the fun. We all love the
chase, and we all love the mystery that comes with a new relationship. The trick
is to keep things fresh and new and to open your mind to new things. I believe
this is where we could use our fetishes to enhance our sex lives.
It’s all too easy to fall into a lazy rut when it
comes to sex. I’ve never completely understood why, but humans are creatures of
accumulated bad habits. We become lazy sexually, not because we want to be lazy,
but because we honestly run ourselves ragged with our daytime schedules. It’s
hard enough to do all the things we need to do to become good parents, good
workers and good friends. Because of this type of overload our sexual appetites
are the first thing to be sacrificed.
Women tend to use sex as a tool for discipline or
reward, and men tend to let them do it. From there we go on to either a
frustrating or completely absent sex life. If you take all the above problems
and really look at them, you come away wondering how the hell any of us are
getting any sex at all.
That brings me full circle to the fetish side of sex.
Humans are actually creatures of habit. We smoke, we drink, we do drugs, and we
begin these habits in a search for some kind of stimulation. Fetish desires
are generally triggered by one or more of our senses. For example; say you have
a fetish about really high spiky heels, (hi Gary), it is likely you have had a
great sexual experience with a woman in high heels. Therefore the sight of them
may trigger a remote memory in your subconscious, making the sight of them turn
you on.
Most fetishes are easily understood, some can be a wee
bit trickier to figure out. My little rule on this is as long as you and your
partner are in agreement, there’s nothing wrong with exploring them together.
I will say it once again: what goes on behind closed doors is between you and
your partner. As long as it’s consenting adults and no one gets hurt, fetishes
can be fun.
Introducing a fetish or the thought of a fetish should
wait a while as you get to know each other. Early sexual experiences usually
don’t need any help. When the time seems right, I would suggest picking one of
those nights when you feel the lines of communication are good between the two
of you. Then you could express your interest in whatever type of fetish it is.
I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to tell by your partners reaction if they are
interested or willing to try in out with you. Don’t be too pushy about the
idea; give them time to think about it.
If you have a green light then, (and I advise this
strongly), research what you want to do. Don’t take a chance that your first
experience might be a disaster. Your mate may not be willing to try again if it turns
out bad. If at least one of you knows what they’re doing, you’re pretty well
going to experience things properly. Knowledge of the fetish may prevent any
physical harm that may occur otherwise.
Once your fetish has been introduced, remember to be
patient with your partner. Make sure they’re as comfy as possible, and
they’re enjoying the experience as much as you. Don’t allow this to become
another one of those things your partner does just because it makes you happy.
Don’t be a selfish lover. Remember the experience will only be repeated if
everyone involved has a good time.
If for some reason this idea is offensive to your
partner, then you will have to accept that fact. I’m sure you realize we
aren’t all cut from the same cloth. What turns your crank may be frightening
or simply not something they want to get into.
If you need the fetish to function or achieve sexual
satisfaction, I would strongly advise you to seek some outside help. There are a
lot of a good counselors and groups that will understand how you feel. Your
needs are important too and shouldn’t be ignored or forgotten about. If
you’re partner sees your needs as important as their own, I think even if you
can’t share this, you will at least come away understanding each other a wee
bit better.
Well that’s about all I have for today. Let’s see
what the e-mail brings and keep our next lessons topic open for suggestions. I
like surprises.
For now this is the Prof. signing off.
Send your e-mails to proftaltos@yahoo.ca
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