Hitting The Nail On The Head!
Have you ever seen the 'I Love Lucy' episode when Ricky thinks he has forgotten an anniversary? So he goes into his emergency gift stash and brings out a gift for Lucy? Well it turned out he hadn't forgotten the date and Lucy was on to the fact he had gifts hidden around just in case he forgot.
Now even though it was the funniest thing I had seen for a long time, it somehow struck me as sad. It saddened me to think that in reality men do go to great lengths to stay out of our doghouse so to speak. I think they spend a lot of time worrying about what they may have forgotten or did to upset us.
I am always amazed when my mate gives me that blank look when he knows I'm upset. The look means he truly doesn't know what he has done this time and he is scrambling to try to figure it out. It use to be that sometimes he forgot a date or sometimes it was something else.
After years of going through this every time an important date came along I have had enough. I have come to realize this guessing game is just silly. In many ways it's as if women are laying down a trap and awaiting our prey. This is not only unfair but it's also totally counter productive.
I became so tired of the game I obsessed about it for a while and now I have a solution that seems to be working for us. I take all the dates I feel are important once a year and I make note of them on the calendars in my home. If it's a really important one I will point it out to him ahead of time. Now the only excuse he has is laziness. To date he hasn't forgotten any of the important ones. We can now spend the time he spent worrying and I spent being upset doing other stuff that is probably more important.
The fact that we had to do this made me sit down and wonder why. Is he callous? Is he thoughtless or cruel to me? Does he enjoy making me angry or hurt by forgetting? The answer is no to all of the above. He is a kind loving man who would rather walk through hell than upset me.
Why is this an issue? Well there could be a few reasons. Perhaps this it is important to us but not necessarily to a man. They do have a totally different time frame when it comes to important dates. They are from Mars and we are from Venus but that doesn't mean we can't help them find a comfort zone in our relationships.
No one ever told me I can't sympathize or try to make things easier for my mate. If they had told me I wasn't to do this then I would be doing it anyway. Simply because I believe I have a lot of much more important issues with than my birthday being forgotten. Existing side by side with my mate should mean helping him when he needs me. It's that simple. I also believe the favor should be returned.
Simple is a word I have come to love. I wish I could simplify the whole world. Since I can't then I will go out of my way to simplify my corner of it. It's easy to do and in many ways it can be fun.
I tend to make jokes about my mate's absent-mindedness but in reality I feel bad that he would walk around all day worrying that he has forgotten something. He has enough on his plate to deal with too. A little help now and then has to be a nice relief.
For centuries it has been this way for men and women. He forgets she gets mad. But what if we look at the whole picture? Are we setting them up by expecting them to remember all our important dates? Are we actually sitting there waiting like a black widow for her mate to screw up?
Yep you bet we are. Well at least I was! And I think I have a handle on why we do this.
Women are put in a position that is unfair and unhealthy at times. (I will be dealing with health issues soon.) We are expected to organize and have ready at all times the needs and wants of our families. In many ways we over burdened ourselves! We want complete control of our situations therefore we think we have to have total control of all things.
I conducted a little experiment on my spouse a while back. He is a good sport about being my guinea pig, I might add. Any way we were having the, "Where are my socks, where are my T-shirt's, where are my clothes?" in general argument. I wasn't hiding his damn clothes but then in the middle of a fight I looked at him and calmly told him "I have had enough of this nonsense. From here on out you are in charge of your own clothes." We both do the laundry yet oddly enough I have never had to ask him where my clothes were I pointed out to him.
He was offended to think I wasn't going to take the rap for his lost socks. But I was ready to stand my ground. There was a point to be made.
I am not responsible for all that goes on in my world. I can do the best I can and keep my home tidy and organized. But if the poor dear can't keep track of his own clothes then how the hell could he ever take care of the important things that go on in our lives? What if I became disabled? I would have to direct things from my bed and I know I would have never had the time I needed to recover.
Okay I was letting my imagination run amuck (a little) but the point is a valid one. And the point is we will all slack off if someone else is going to organize, dictate and tidy up things for us. This is only natural.
So my view on this is simple. Stop it! Take a step back and let them learn to sort their own laundry. Help them when they've come up against a wall. Or you know they're about to do something that could lead to disaster. But let the chips fall where they may every once in a while. There is no rule that says you can't sit and let him occasionally run his ass off. Maybe he will see that running a home, raising a family and still being there for your mate isn't as easy as some of us make it look!
I've done my time running around on the treadmill of life. Then I became the bionic bitch. Cracking my whip and demanding obedience at all times. Oddly enough this was working really well for all those around me. I was doing it all. And I was miserable! Then one day we had the sock argument.
I don't know why but somehow I felt like there was a weight lifting off of me. I was free! I could now believe it's okay to say "I don't have a clue where your socks are and I'm sure you'll find them around here somewhere." It felt so good.
So now on those days that feel like I'm back on my treadmill I remind myself of what a great feeling it was to let my mate take on his own dilemma's once in a while. And know the world wasn't going to end because you let someone else take the reins for you. In my mind this is how a good relationship should be.
There is no reason that you can't let your partner in on how you feel about these things. To not share it with him you are setting yourself up for some really long hauls. And if the day comes when you throw your hands up and run screaming madly into the night, you can only thank yourself for the craziness.
I believe we sell men short at times simply because they function in a manor that is completely alien to us. Why not set down some simple ground rules in the beginning? Don't wait like I did and become a little nuts before you let him in on the fact you may not be bionic after all. And above all don't let this become a source of resentment for you.
I think relationships that are as equally balanced as much as is possible for that individual couple works pretty good. Men aren't simple, ladies, they're just different than us! My mate as I have mentioned was allowed to think he could just let me do everything for him. (Right down to his socks) I was the only one who went ahead and did all this stuff. It may have been more of a pain but I know now that I should have simply let it ride it's own path.
I will always be queen bee in my house. I know now also that I don't have to go half-crazy before I can say enough is enough. But I truly know it would have been so much easier for me if I had done one simple thing right from the beginning. Lay down the groundwork!
In the beginning we all are on our best behavior but eventually it starts to all hang out. That is the time to sit down and let it be known you don't want to be a slave to your mates needs. You can even hint at letting them have some of the control we all tend to clutch onto so tightly.
It's fair to expect your mate to help you out and it's fair to say so. It is also very fair to yell for help if you feel yourself sinking at times. Life can be extremely over whelming.
By letting these little facts be known you are paving a path to greater conquests in your relationship. Like going back to school as so many of us do or changing careers like I have done many times. (I don't know why I keep coming back to writing)
Communicating your needs isn't selfish or unnecessary. No one is going to go out of their way to make things easier for you. So it is up to you to know how much is too much.
Hopefully once you and your mate are on the same path you can become a well-balanced good working team. The way it is meant to be. Even thought we are the maternal ones and we are a little smarter than men are (I'm kidding). There isn't any way for one person to happily take on all the things going on in your world.
Seriously if we want to continue ahead with any type of awareness in our life's, if we need a partner to understand and help us, then we have to be willing to let that fact be known. Men aren't physics any more than we are. We are as much of a mystery to them as they are to us. And if we want any kind of satisfaction in life than we had better be able to let our needs be known. Clearly and precisely!
Once a man is allowed to see us as humans not just a woman you will be amazed at the results. I have even found myself admitting I have made mistakes once in a while. Oddly it doesn't happen very often but when it does he now turns to me and tells me to stop beating myself up over it. Because I let my feelings be known. Now I feel so understood!!
Okay I make fun of the whole thing but to some degree it is so very true. A little understanding goes a long way in this old world of ours. With just a touch of it you can open all kinds of doors for yourself. The only way to get there however is to communicate (yes there's that word again) your needs.
I hate go keep going around in circles. Yet oddly I keep finding myself doing just that when it comes to the human world. It is such a basic principle but we can't seem to get a handle on this one. Regardless of our gender we shy away from the honesty and openness that would bring us that much closer to a happy outcome. Or a least as close as we can logically hope to come to happiness.
If you look at the whole picture between men and women you may see we are people first. Each and every one of us! Although we differ in our thoughts we don't differ in that many of our basic needs. Whether it be sexual, spiritual or emotional we all need to be understood in order to become a whole individual.
So my suggestion ladies is we all jump off the treadmill of life long enough to sort out what we need to find our happy point. Then we all follow through with some communication and a willingness to let a few things go a wee bit.
If you find that while your trying this out you may have a little time to yourself, then use it wisely. Why not take a little of it to find a nice sexual fantasy you may have buried and let it run a bit. I bet your mate will notice real fast when you start acting like you have true interest and less of the " I wish he'd hurry up!" attitude.
I'll even go so far as to let you in on a little secret about men. They really hate it when we're angry or bitchy. They really do, it upsets them. They would rather do almost anything than see us unhappy. But they aren't good at letting us know that fact. So if we have to make the first, second and third move to get what we need then so be it. And I wish you all luck.
Do you think I have forgotten that we are supposed to be dealing sexual self-gratification? Well I haven't. I came to the conclusion in that order for us to really go into this subject we first needed to settle some of the issues I have brought up in this chapter. And now we may continue on to bigger and better things.
I am going to say goodbye for now. I hope you'll be brave and join me for further fun and games in chapter seven.
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