Beauty & The Beasties!
I hinted at some little tid bits about men in my last chapter. I wasn't stringing you along I really do have a few interesting things to dwell on. The male of the species is an amazing creature. He comes along with a whole bunch of individual rules and little quirks. But this is not to say we females don't have a few of our own. Don't kid yourself. I will be coming back to us later. In the meantime lets see if we can make sense out of how our counterparts work and think and why they are the way they are.
The males of our species are fascinating creatures. They have some of the damnedest ideas when it comes to how to function in this world. They are for the most part their own worst enemy and it is very true they spend a lot of time prying their feet out of their yips.
Women however can't continue to just shrug our shoulders and sigh about it. We can and should try to understand where some of these quirks come from. Women can help men achieve a happy medium in the whole range of things. The key to this is realizing that we are just as responsible as the men for making the world a happy place to live in.
In many ways this may seem to be unfair and just putting another burden on us. Well ladies life isn't fair and anyone who thinks it is isn't living in the real world. Women are over worked and under paid. We carry so much of the responsibilities of life on our shoulders no wonder we have osteoporosis. And we allow these burdens to accumulate. My sentiment on this is " Oh whaaa!" That's just life, now what we have to do is deal with it. How we go about this is up to us. My attitude is totally unsympathetic I know but in many ways I believe this to be true.
I am amazed that more women don't realize that we can control what is going on in our relationships. Women have a very special gift (in my mind). Its called power! And it's a crying shame we don't use our power more. I don't mean using it to run amuck. I mean all we have to do is take the bull by the horns and steer it along in the right direction.
Now when it comes to our dear spouses try to remember three simple rules.
1. Patience
2. Tolerance
3. Do not be judgmental.
If this sounds familiar to any of you this is the oath of spirituality I took many years ago. Oddly I never really put it to practice for a long time. The more I have been looking at why we as people do what we do, the more I'm finding I can make some definite connections. I regret not putting it together sooner. And now I promise that is as close as I will come to preaching at anyone. Aren't ya glad!!
At any rate they are three simple little rules but if you can try to look at them in individual terms it makes sense. The next time your mate does something that makes you crazy try to apply the simplest rules you can. It makes life so much easier.
For example, my dear other half knows I hate male chauvinistic comments. I made the mistake of telling him when we first met that even though I put on a good front I don't find anything funny about chauvinistic comments or jokes.
He got a laugh at some stupid comment he came out with one night from some of our friends. Thinking he was amusing he began turning into mister piggy the second we have company over. I wanted to put my hands around his neck and squeeze really hard, but since this is illegal I had to look at other options.
I tried mentioning the fact he was making me nuts. But this too was a mistake. He got worse. I don't know why but he did. So I dug really deep down and found that special place in me that has reserve stuff. In the reserve I found a little patience and a bit of my old sense of humor and I applied the two.
I turned the tables and occasionally started to come out with my own delicate but female chauvinistic comments, every time he started to head down that path. Ones like " Do you know what God said after she made man?" she said "Just kidding!"
After a few weeks of this I was given the title of wench! Which I still hold proudly. But he finally had to relent and let it be known he didn't find it funny either. Okay maybe it was a bit nasty but it worked. Now when he is tempted to start with the comments I give him the sweetest smile you can imagine. And you had better believe he knows what it means.
I never had to raise my voice, I didn't bitch or carry on and on about it. I set out to solve this problem with some logic and I wanted him to learn something I felt was important. We aren't perfect and sometimes we have to give what we get in order to get our point across.
Now I know that doesn't help a lot when it comes to scratching himself in front of you or picking his nose or farting when it's just the two of you in the room. My mate took a long time to realize he wouldn't let her rip if company was over so it isn't asking too much to have him leave the room when it was just me sitting there. I have a sense of smell too!
But if you can take a step back and look at different ways to handle things. If you can look at why he goes about things this way. And if you can look at picking and choosing your battles. Then you are showing a great deal of patience. I know you will sure feel a lot better about how you've handled this situation than if you had just gone ballistic about it.
Tolerance is a real hard one. I have a hard time being tolerant of some things. I have zero tolerance for stupid people whom think their smart. I have zero tolerance for cruelty; a cruel person is a human without a heart, in my eyes.
But when it comes to my mate I try very hard to be tolerant of his ways, when I have to be. He doesn't drive me that nuts anymore. And he is generally a kind and caring person. But it has taken me some time to be able to learn to be tolerant.
I tolerate his unbelievable lust for power tools. It makes no sense to me but he builds me great stuff when I go along with what he says he needs. What he says he needs and what he really needs are worlds apart in my mind. But who am I to call that one.
I affectionately watch him now as he saws away at some unsuspecting piece of wood and I realize he is truly enjoying himself. It took a while for the light bulb to go on for me. Very slowly I came to a realization that when he has what pleases him in his world and when he doesn't have to get a lot of flack over these things he is just a happy camper. Therefore I am going to get a lot more cooperation from him when I need it. We do live in a very give and take world.
So when he falls asleep without giving me so much as a kiss good night and I am up all night feeling neglected we made a joke about it. I made it clear his needs weren't the only ones in this relationship. I will never with hold sex that is just punishing me but I expect him to make up for the night before. Which oddly enough he is always happy to do. This has been done due to a lot of sharing feelings and tolerance. Okay and a little bit of good old sexual need.
We could have had a huge argument about it. But neither one of us would have come away satisfied. That's just downright silly in my mind. I could have tucked it away and found myself eventually resentful of his behavior. But I am so very grateful I stood back, found some tolerance and approached things at a different angle.
I know it isn't easy sometimes when for the millionth time you have to point something out to him that has slighted you. But with a sense of humor in tack and a lot of love I think we can all learn to accept each other as people and find some very enduring qualities to be tolerant of.
I don't have all the specific answers for you when it comes to tolerance and I know there are some things that just must stop. Try to realize you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Try to remember you feel that way for a reason. Look for the reasons you love this person and you will find tolerance in yourself.
'Do not be judgmental' is an extremely hard one for me. I am very judgmental. I am embarrassed by this fact but I have come to realize this is so very true for me. I see a world that should make perfectly good sense and I fail to see any logic sometimes when it comes to the way we deal with each other. Therefore I am judgmental, in my eyes. Unless it's true, as my mate has often pointed out and I am damn near perfect.
I sometimes become frustrated and impatient when dealing with my mate and his illogical way of looking at things. I try really hard to see what is going on with him when he really screws up and then I begin to analyze him to pieces.
You are going to love this one ladies. When we met we were both on the road, he was driving truck and I was just going to start long hauling for an adventure. We were stuck together twenty four seven immediately. Considering I didn't care for him at first we became best friends and greatest of companions. We discussed our individual parts in making a happy home and it turned out we worked just as well domestically as we did on the road.
Yet when we were living for awhile with another couple I found I was doing his work, my work and everyone else's. Silly me I finally went on strike after a few months. But I walked away from the situation with my feelings deeply hurt. He was my friend and life mate, he let me down poor, poor me.
Why did this happen. Well it was very simple in his eyes and I quote " Well, I felt like no one else was doing their work why the hell should I do it?" And he also wanted to know why I wasn't as angry with the others in the house as I was with him. I stood in front of him dumbfounded at his logic or what I saw as lack of it.
Believe it or not it took six months at least for me to be able to explain what I felt was perfectly obvious. He is my mate, my buddy, my best friend and it's us against this big scary world. At least that's how I look at it. But his world is just a touch different than mine. He saw what he was or wasn't doing as self-defense. They weren't going to make him do their work for them even if it meant I had to do it all.
Now before you fall over laughing at this, think for a moment. I stood before him not believing what I was hearing. Yet he stood firmly in his belief that his reasoning was right.
Suddenly in the middle of what could very easily have turned into a nasty situation I heard a little voice. "Stop judging him and his way of thinking." it said loud and clear to me! And my little voice was once again right. It makes no difference if I think he is dead wrong. It makes no difference if he is wrong. If I could some how get by the urge to strangle him, if I could somehow get him to understand that I felt as if betrayed by him. Then we would both have a safe landing on this flight.
Judging who was right or wrong would never have set my point for me as well as it did when I explained to him I needed him to work with me and not leave me floating about on my own.
He is his same old self now but some days I wonder if that is because I didn't come across as if he was under trial for his crime or if it's because we are living alone once again. Or maybe it's because he is only home twice a week now.
I really can't say for sure but I like to think that if nothing else I have learnt that even if I am right, judging a person's action's will never help find a solution to the problem. And I hope to God if ever I have really screwed up, (okay maybe it's happened once or twice.) instead of judging me someone will take the time to help me not repeat my offence.
I sincerely hope you will join me next time as I attempt to unravel some more of life's wonderful mysteries.
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