Frustration Really Sucks!
Well now I've done it! I decided to give my relationship the "Am I satisfied?"
sexual challenge. As if I didn't have enough to think about I decided to test myself in the "How's it going in bed?" category. I have to be honest I'm not completely happy with the results of my little test. This is something that comes as quite a shock to me. I will be coming back to this one that's for sure.
I think I'm settling. To me settling is a dirty word in a relationship. I see too much of it going on. Every time I look at one of my friends or family and think they are just settling because it's easier. There's too much of this going on. It makes me feel really bad for them.
It's always been my belief that there is so much lost when we settle. So many things that might have been but never will be because the door to those possibilities is closed. We slam that door closed. We just give in or give up on something because it's easier.
I've tried to never settle in my life. It took a long time to be able to tell the difference between settling and knowing when it was time to just come to a compromise on things.
This has to do with keeping the inner child. Keeping the child alive and aware. We need to keep the capability, like a child at time's, to be able to just let the unimportant things go. Yet there must be a middle ground to fight for the issues that are important to us.
I see my grandson, Russell, do it all the time. He's only two and a half but he knows what makes his world run straight and anything else is irrelevant to him. If you're still reading along in later parts of this I will be mentioning our inner child every once in a while. I think it's a subject worth looking into and one people allow to fade away through time.
At any rate back to the sexual satisfaction thing. I have to say I am one of the most sexually free and out spoken women I know. I don't mean I tramp around. I mean I have always felt, especially in my later years, that women were never encouraged enough to go learn and experience things.
We aren't really expected to care much about sex other than using it as a tool to get what we want. A lot of us are guilty of the "No I don't feel like it tonight!" when really we want something or we're angry. It has nothing to do with sex at that point. When it comes down to it by that time for us it's a point of control.
In reality I believe we do care about sex. A lot! We just need to know it's okay to let the rest of the world in on the secret. Psychologists are right on the money when they say we have to teach our children at early ages to be comfortable with their sexuality. But what about those of us who are grown up now? We weren't encouraged sexually in any way. I believe, for a large majority of us sex was a word you didn't hear a lot at home. Never mind having a discussion about it.
We couldn't imagine being encouraged to be comfortable with any part of our sexuality. Never mind being taught to understand why we feel or behave sexually the way we do. I can remember going, in private, to ask my Mom a question about sex. I was told, literally, young ladies shouldn't ever think about those things. That was the end of those discussions between my Mother and I for many years.
Years later, shortly before my Mother passed away, we talked of that day. We found this hilarious. It was so damn funny to think of years later. We had somehow found our way to a point that we could share anything. I was lucky to have this chance with my Mom and very grateful to have it. A lot of us don't get a chance to mend the fences between Mother and Daughter.
So what about those of us who live in the world, I like to call " Sexual Denial." What can we do to open up some doors for ourselves? I believe there's a lot we can do. Part of that is what you're doing right now.
Read! Read books, read magazines, read anything you damn well want to on the subject. But read about anything that might interest you. I don't think you can ever go wrong learning all you want to know about sex and sexuality. And I believe this is a healthy way to go about it.
My passion for reading has led me to learn a lot of fascinating things. I find a well-written smutty book far more erotic than porn. I also find the majority of people I have asked agree with me. Visual affects can take you so far but the imagination goes on forever. That's how I feel about that one.
Visual affects come strongly into play when it comes to dressing for sex. As far as I'm concerned clothes are sexy as hell and a large part of the whole idea. I don't care if it's the way the material feels on your skin. I don't care if it makes you feel sexy when that stranger gives you that look when you pass each other and you know its because of the way you dressed that day. If the clothes make you feel like that then that's sexy clothes. You have achieved what you set out to do.
You may have noticed I said only how the clothes make you feel. This is because I believe two things. One, you have to feel sexy to look sexy and two, you could wear a shack and still be sexy if that's the way you're feeling. It all comes down to you and how you feel about yourself. There is definitely a signal that comes from a sexually sound woman.
Sexually sound, not a phrase you hear everyday, but a pretty self-explanatory one. You can't be a sexually sound individual unless you are in tune with all the aspects of your individuality. In order to be in tune you have to be comfortable with your self. Which in turn means you have to be comfortable looking for satisfaction.
It all comes down to letting go of some very old habits. Not letting the world intimidate you into thinking you have to be meek sexually. And finding, way down inside of yourself, the courage to venture forth. I feel I must also mention that there is no excuse for laziness. Like all things if you want it bad enough you'll work for it.
Not long ago my mate and I were watching a show about sexuality and spirituality. I found myself completely fascinated by the concept of bringing together two so very important things. As humans we all are very spiritual and sexual beings in one way or other.
I am ashamed at not having put the two together a long time ago. I have been a spiritualist all my life. I believe strongly in my faith and always have. I try putting to action the things I believe in everyday. Yet I have over looked how we work like finely tuned machines. It only makes sense that, as with an engine, if one cylinder isn't firing properly then the whole works will be slightly off.
Women aren't encouraged to explore the sexual part of their world. The opposite is true in fact. From young adulthood we are very aware of our sexual self. Some of us learn at a very young age how to use our sexuality to get what we want. We however aren't taught that in the proper frame of things we could be using these powers to get what we need to be complete humans. Instead we've been taught how to use sex as yet another weapon in life.
All the bobbles in the world won't replace a sexually satisfied individual. Using sex to get what you want is just an exercise in futility as far as I'm concerned. It isn't a question of some of us need to be satisfied and some of us don't. It's a question of we need to be happy in as many aspects of life as possible. From where I'm looking sexuality is at the top of this list. It isn't the most important thing but it's right up there.
The answer is relatively simple. Don't hate me for sounding smug but it's true. We have to learn that's okay to express ourselves. I firmly believe that if women could take the time for themselves to get to know what makes them tick we would be amazed at easy it is to find our own satisfaction.
I'm not saying we don't need men, not by any means. I couldn't function in a world void of male companionship. The feel of male arms around me, the masculine smell that's always there, all those wonderful things that come with a man. I couldn't and wouldn't want to be without them.
The point I'm trying to get across is, as with all things in life we have to communicate our needs along with our desires. Women generally can communicate very well. On pretty well any subject. However if the conversation comes too close to our comfort zone we will withdraw and deny our true feelings. Any discussions close to our sexuality will cause this reaction from a lot of women.
It's really hard to share your feelings when you can always hear the ghosts whispering " Good girls don't!" They don't want sex unless they're sluts. They don't talk about sex unless they're trashy. They don't have fantasies and they basically wait and take what they get.
Now I know that isn't the way things are anymore but we still hear the ghosts whispering and we still carry these feelings with us. I have been in mixed company when the subject has turned to sex. I have watched how the men can in a beat pick up with the comments and jokes. While the women can be observed almost visibly drawing into a shell.
I'm afraid I think the women's lib movement failed us in some categories. We need to be taught how to become complete without expecting someone else to do it for us. Don't complain if your mate doesn't satisfy you. Give him a hint or two at what you like or need. Hell you share spit why not this too.
If you happen to have a mate whom ignores your requests you may need to seek outside help. I have faith that most people are aware of when they need counseling or mediation of some sort.
I've started trying to join my spirituality and sexuality together. And I get the feeling I have been missing out on a lot. But I'm sure going to have a lot of fun catching up. There's a whole new world out there.
My advice to you is really look at yourself and what makes your world go round. Be honest. Let's face it. If you can't be honest with yourself then there's no hope in your sharing with your mate.
Now that I've pointed out all the flaws in our sexual world let me say there is hope. And lots of it. However I have run on enough for this time. I really hope you'll join me in chapter four. I am going to attempt to find some solutions to the ever-present question. How do I fulfill my sexual needs in a world that's too busy to keep up with at times? Is there time at the end of a long day to have a complete balance? I believe there is. And I believe if you want it bad enough you can find the answers.
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