Stop The World I Want To Get Off!
As I mentioned in the intro to this book. I want to make this as simple and straight forward as possible. Not because I think women are simple. The opposite is true actually. I know what cunning little creatures we women really are. I simply mean, we all have enough input coming at us from all directions. Who the heck needs any more? So I have tried to simplify things as much as possible.
Which brings me to my first subject. What the hell are we doing to ourselves? It's my opinion we're making a lot of the craziness ourselves. It makes you wonder who's running this show anyway? Let's at least try to act like we know what we're doing. All we have to do is start with one small baby step.
SIMPLIFY, ladies, for crying out loud, SIMPLIFY! I don't know how to put it any clearer than that. We have to simplify things in our lives at one point or other. The more I see the more I believe some women are in out of control situations. In order to simplify we have to learn how to take out our own trash? You know all that excess baggage you can deposit at the curb. I realize we can't get rid of it all but do what you can. This is the first baby step.
For example do you have any old boyfriends that still make your heart pitter pat? My advice for this is to deal with the feelings then get over it. Try to have it done before you venture off to the next conquest. I can't explain why but I've always seemed to have to replace my men immediately with another model. I carried on this way for years.
Then there came a time when I finally found myself living alone. I mean completely alone. There wasn't any man around and my daughter had moved out on her own. It was just me, all by myself. The strangest part of this new world was (after I got use to the silence) I actually began to enjoy my solitude. I can't say this is for everyone but I sure had a lot of fun. It was a time for me, just me, my problems, wishes or needs. I never appreciated those special times as much as I should have. I learnt a lot and the lessons I came away with will be with me for a lifetime.
There isn't anything wrong with taking the time to get over your last relationship. The sun will rise again tomorrow your heart will heal. I'm sorry that sounds so callous but I believe in being realistic. If you can do this for yourself you'll be able walk into a new relationship refreshed and ready for what may lay before you. I think doing this is only fair to both you and you're next mate.
So my advice is to take your time and be sure of what you're doing. Be sure of what you want too. Don't panic you won't be alone forever. You really won't be, humans weren't met to fly solo. Remember any mistakes that were made in the last relationship use them to your best interest. And then carry on bravely.
If your partner is really pushing for info on your last mate then I would advice honesty here. But deal with these issues once and then let there be peace about it. Try to be as delicate as possible, ladies! I can remember some very nasty arguments over past boyfriends. My thumb to rule on this subject is it's always best remembered, the male ego isn't so much frailer than ours, just a little more brittle.
If you're anything like me perhaps you have become use to being on your own. It can be a little tricky dropping some of the old habits. Habits that you know aren't going to work in a relationship. This is going to take some concentration. It isn't easy to give up what you have come to cherish. Like all the time you want in the bathroom. Or knowing the seat is always going to be down. They're simple things but they mean a lot.
I have always found learning to compromise works the best. This is the easiest way to simplify things for both of you. But this should be a two way street. I am guilty of always chirping about communication, because I believe one hundred percent that communication is the only way a relationship will ever work. In order to compromise you have to communicate your needs. I firmly believe this to be true.
Don't be selfish but be firm in what you need to make you happy. I'm tired of seeing women giving up all the things they love to make a relationship work. But I refuse to blame the men entirely for this. I believe we are guilty of doing this to ourselves to a great degree.
No one is holding a gun to our heads and yet we will give and give. Then one day we resent all that we have given up. I'm sorry but I did my martyr routine for a long time. I gave it up when I realized I was complicating only my life. Everyone else had what they wanted but me.
I found it was smarter to lay down the ground rules right from the beginning. Ground rules being what I expected, wanted and needed from the relationship. I had to be reasonable and fair but I had to lay out those expectations. No one was going to do it for me.
It doesn't take a genius to realize that human nature makes us greedy. If someone is going to give everything to you then you're going to take it. Well most of us would. So if you a giver sooner or later you will burn out. We have only so much to give before we become unaware of who we are or what we want or wanted out of life.
In order not to get lost in the pack you have to stand up for yourself. I know this sounds harsh but it doesn't have to be. It would be harsh only if you take it to the extremes of selfishness.
Which brings me to my next point. Extremes! Women have to be the all time winners when it comes to going to extreme. Yes I can say that, ladies for I am one of you!
I know men have some extremes here and there but women are the queens of extreme. We have to run amuck in all kinds of things. It seems, in some things, we just don't understand the meaning of moderation.
My definition of moderation is the fine art of keeping a balance in your life. My wardrobe, make-up, shoes etc. have all become my statement to moderation. I never lack a nice out-fit to wear or the shoes to match but I refuse to be a slave to my attire. I have lots of blacks, grays, whites and a dash of colors for any occasion. I prefer my jeans and sweatshirts but when I have to dress up I mix and match a lot.
I found that once I trimmed down the wardrobe I had far less problems when choosing what to wear. I also found that I was very comfortable in whatever I wore. It was as if I had said good-bye to fashion fads once and for all. I don't run around with a sack on and I usually get a complement on my outfit. So I don't think my tastes have been jeopardized.
If somehow a perfect formula to simplify life has been made I don't know it. Each and every one of us has our own taste and preferences. You know in your heart what has maybe become a little out of control or can be trimmed a little. You and you alone will know those things you truly need to be happy in your world.
Some of us are workaholic's some of us are clean freaks, there are all kind of extremes we can go to. Some of us forget that we're human and need to take care of ourselves. We need to be around for a long time. Other wises who the hell is going to fight all our battles for us? I will be dealing strongly with women and health issues later in this book.
So simplify means moderation and moderation means communication and communication means a happier life. This is what I am trying to say.
It all sounds cut and dry but believe me I spend a lot of time trying to practice what I preach. I say trying. I have my victories and I fall on my ass a lot, too. The key is to at least try and keep on trying. If you fall, get up, dust off and start running again.
My brother is trying to quit smoking, I'm sure he's tried of hearing me tell him to try and try again. But it's true. This is the only way you'll succeed in anything. With each small thing I've learned through the years I can say the majority of it has been beneficial to me. It wasn't always what I wanted to learn about myself. But I did learn a lot.
By learning to simplify you've started on a roll. Let's go a little further. Take a close up look at what you're looking for in the relationship. You may even want to ask your partner how he feels about it. Don't be scared of his answers, men are far worse at this than women. You probably won't get a lot of in-put at this point. That sounds judgmental but it's true. Men simply aren't good at this. I have witnessed this time and time again. He may be unsure of himself or caught off guard by your questions. Try to be gentle you don't want him running away.
If you can't come up with an answer to what you want in a relationship then back it up a little. This question should come to mind. "Why the hell are you even thinking about a relationship now?" Let yourself have a little fun before you wrap your arms around somebody new. There's nothing wrong with going out and having fun. Be careful, be safe of course. But the days when you had to stay at home and wait are long gone. Why not have some fun while you still can and you still want to. It's a big wide world out there. Why not stretch a little.
I was sort of on the cusp of the women's movement. So when I was single and wanting to go party I was in some ways looked upon as a slut. That's putting it point blank but it's true. No one ever came right out and said it but there were some very curious looks, when at times I was dating more than one man at once.
We all knew we were dating more than one person at a time. It just happened that at that time none of us were ready to start a permanent deal. Some how being open about my feelings at that time was easier than is has become in later years. I guess it was due to the fact that the people I knew were just like me and understood how I felt at that time. Or perhaps I wasn't gun shy yet.
The point I'm trying to make is I know in my heart if I had taken time more often in life to stop and think I would have had a much easier time. I don't regret any of the adventures I have had so far. However I could have had a lot more fun and less stress if I had taken my time and gone about something's differently.
I was talking to my sister yesterday (a great lady). She mentioned that Ann Landers is retiring. Kiddingly, she said I should apply for the job. I reminded her I had made a lot of mistakes in my relationships. Which is why I'm so full of advice now. Somehow I don't think I'm cut from the same cloth as Ann Landers. She became good at what she does by being a fast learner. I'm not so sure I will ever have it right. But thanks for the vote anyway I appreciate it.
My point as I close this chapter is ladies please give yourself a break and slow down. Stop carrying all the weight for your entire world. And for crying out loud simplify. Why carry around more than you have to. As I have said these are my opinions not any one else's. My advice comes from life lessons not because I'm smarter than the average bear.
Chapter three will be my attempt to deal with a difficult subject. It's called
sexual satisfaction. Believe it or not this too can happen; it isn't an illusion.
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