Suspicious Minds
Well you've gone through a lot and your finally settling in to what we all hope will be a nice long relationship. How can you keep from creating problems and head them off when you do see them coming towards you?
You've put a lot of effort and growth into getting things started on the right foot. I'd really hate to see you blow it now. And you will blow it if you don't keep your wits about you.
I have already mentioned taking your mate for granted and sliding into the domestic slump. But we haven't dealt with dealing with the issues before the problem is there. Keep your relationship on the positive side by learning some warning signs. If you do see some of the signs forming, don't panic this too can be handled using the right strategy.
For example if your mate has suddenly taken to going out with the girls a lot and you notice her looking better than usual. Well you may have a problem. But then again you may not have a thing to worry about.
I guess what I am saying is if your wondering at all then there's a problem. Any doubts or questions you have concerning your partner might as well be addressed. You are going to wonder no matter what and by wondering in silence you may inadvertently cause serious problems in the relationship.
The first thing you should do however is ask yourself a few relevant questions. Do your doubts or questions have any real basis? There are those of us in this world who tend to imagine things occasionally. If you are honest with yourself you'll know if you are off base in your questioning of your mate.
There can be reasons a person suddenly changes the way they dress or act. It can be as simple as the changing of seasons in life or as complicated as a self esteem problem.
Women are very unique creatures when it comes to choices and changes. I personally believe that these constant sways and flows are part of a woman's allure.
If she has changed her perfume it may be nothing more than she has changed her preference. If she has changed her style of dress slightly she may need a change or just wanted to try something different.
She may even be going so far as to get a rise out of you.
If the change is drastic then perhaps she is feeling unappealing. A few compliments could help. I believe this makes anyone feel better about themselves. But don't go over board.
There is a definite time in a woman's life that will show a lot of changes. It usually happens when we are feeling older or less appealing. It can start as early as mid thirties or as late as menopause. Depending on your mate's outlook on age.
Personally I refuse to ever grow up completely so I have stayed in the hippie stage since the seventies. But I regularly go through the I need a change phase. All of the above are natural and easy to see for what they are, if you are paying attention.
However if your mate comes in dressed like the happy hooker and has dyed her hair some bizarre color, or if you notice a very different attitude from her, you aren't wrong in wanting to know what's going on with her.
Try not to let your questions sound like an inquisition. It really is okay to have doubts and it is very okay to voice your questions but a little tact goes along way.
For those of us who really don't understand tact I'll give you an example. Say your mate has a really bad hair day. She asks you your opinion on how bad it is. Tact is answering honestly but with a " Well you know honey it just isn't you." Lack of tact would be yelling out " Oh my God honey what have you done to yourself?" I'm sure you see what I mean.
Blurting out, "Are ya screwing around on me?" is not only tactless but will probably cause a fight. I can pretty well guarantee you aren't going to get any straight answers and even if she is messing around you aren't going to get near that issue.
What you have done by doing this is arm her with some pretty harsh ammo. She has full grounds to be angry with you and that will lead way off the path you were trying to go down with your original question.
By doing this you have not only armed her but you've pulled the pin on yourself. She will be angry at the crude accusation and if she is innocent you may have hurt her feelings. Either way you will be the receiver of some hostile reaction.
Please remember I am not an expert on any subject but I can suggest some ways to go about this. You could wait for a while and see if whatever it is just fades away. This happens a lot. No matter how old we are most of us tend to pay attention to some fads as they come along. It doesn't mean it will be forever.
You could come right out with " Honey I've been noticing you've changed a bit is something going on with you. This is gentle and yet shows you have been paying attention.
If your questions or doubts have a really strong basis and you truly feel there is a reason for them then you may have to meet this head on. Don't jump in as if you're a lawyer during a trial. Simply state you have reason to believe things are going on and you feel you have the right to know what they are.
This is where I have a hard time with this issue. I believe you should be really sure that you want all the answers to your questions. It seems silly to think you might want to say no you don't want the truth. Of course you want the truth but I have something I strongly recommend you try. Play the scenario of what the answers to your questions could be before you ask them. From the worst to the best possible outcomes. Are you ready to handle either case? If you can't see yourself handling the possible outcomes then you have to be very careful how you go about this.
Really nasty arguments come from lack of being prepared and tempers unchecked. Far too many of these end up in violence. I am sick and tired of seeing people running around abusing the things they love because they haven't got the intelligence to learn how to control their emotions. We don't have to be robots but a little control goes a long way.
I believe a real man can proudly say I have never hit a woman and mean it. The same goes for a woman. A real woman never loses control of herself. Slapping a man because your angry doesn't cut it either. There I've finished my lecture.
Try to have a mental checklist. Not a long one just a few things to go through. Try to never have a serious discussion when you're drinking. You are more apt to lose your temper if you've had a few.
Be ready to listen to the whole answer, not just a word or two that have jumped out and gotten your attention. It doesn't matter if your have to bite your tongue just give your mate a chance to finish her answers.
Don't beat around the bush with the questions. Hinting around things is just as silly game. It frustrates the hell out of people. And the likely hood of this getting you anywhere is very slim.
As I have pointed out a straightforward approach is the best way. Not to rough but still hitting home.
If your mate has a temper you can help her deal with it. Showing you have control might help her to find some too. Don't be smug about your having control. This will be annoying and completely unproductive to your mission.
If you're hurt or angered by the answers it's okay but just remember, you are fighting with some one you love and want in your life. It is almost impossible to completely control that deep down anger we get when we are really hurt. I can't say don't yell, just try to not lose it completely.
You don't want to be a doormat either. Trust me most women do not find this appealing. I think most of us want some one we know is mature and stable not a puppet to be manipulated and used. I would find life really boring if my mate didn't challenge me once in awhile.
Once you have gotten your answers you have another little hurdle to go over in your mind. Just keep biting your tongue until you have thought this through. Hasty reactions will go nowhere. If you want continue the discussion then you'll have to be willing to wait until your partner is done talking, count to ten and then let them have all the stuff you need to get out. I am sure most of us have experienced what a hasty word and a mouth full of anger can get us. The answer is nowhere. This kind of fight never solves anything and no one wins.
No one wins in an argument if it is just a shouting match. The whole idea of bringing up the subject is to dispel some of the doubts that may be bothering you. You wouldn't be bringing up these things if you didn't want to work things out or at least solve some of the problems.
There are many aspects in life that will call for a cool head and some very fast decision-making. Be it work or at home you can hang on to you senses and come up on the positive side of trouble if you want to apply yourself.
I find it hard to believe that people will put so much energy into dating and such but don't want to continue the effort when things get rough. Remember you're entering this relationship for better or worse. Statistically the worse is usually eighty percent. But you and your mate can make the rest a really good twenty percent of the time.
Briefly I want to make sure we all got it. Take your time and be sure of what you are saying before you say it. Be fair in your assessment of the situation don't go jumping the gun.
Leave your mate some room to find a way to reach you with her problems. It isn't always easy for any of us to express our selves.
If your worst fears are realized be prepared to deal with it. If you want to hang on to your relationship you have to decide for yourself what you can and can not live with.
Don't be afraid to bring things up just be reasonable and fair. Help your mate realize it's okay to make mistakes but let it be known you are paying attention. It is always fair to try to be comfortable in your life. If it means you have to ask some questions then that's just the way it will have to be.
It's very fair for you to expect your mate to be willing to discuss these doubts and questions with you. You don't have to beat the issues to death. Accept the answers good or bad and deal with them. Then let them go and continue on with your life.
If for some reason your mate will not or can not answer your questions then perhaps you could look into some outside help. In whatever form will be of benefit to both of you.
Try to always remember we all carry insecurities and we all have secrets. Suspicions and doubts are one of the most unhealthy aspects of a relationship. Don't let every little thing be a cause. Remember how crazy it makes you if you're being honest and still not being believed.
Being patient with your mate will be a big help to you. They may have had a bad experience with past relationships and may be having a hard time reaching out to you. I am a firm believer if it meant to be it shall be. It's just that sometimes we have to take the bull by the horns and give it a shake.
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