Back to Basics -- Part 6
by Cynthia McCaffrey

What Are And Are Not Your Responsibilities?

This chapter is dedicated to all of those men who have found themselves wondering when they are suppose to step in and when should they just sit back and let their mate take the lead.

I have the opinion that when women's lib came to life someone forgot to tell a lot of the men in this world, we were changing the rules. 

This isn't to say women's lib is a bad thing. It has its great contributing qualities but it has also contributed to making for a lot of confusion. The majority of men I have interviewed have basically the same feelings on this issue, " How am I suppose to understand what is expected from me now. The rules have changed and no one filled me in."

I sympathize with you guys on this one. Hopefully we can clear up some of the mystery and get things on a more even level for you. 

We can start with a short list of some of the changes in recent years and see if there are any simple answers to some touchy subjects.

For instance! Who ever said that all men must share the joy of watching childbirth? I believe if given half a chance a lot of men and women would tell you that they really don't want to bear witness to this event.

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way but please remember you are two now and soon to be more. You have to be honest about how you feel. Let your partner know your views. Please remember be gentle when doing this, you are dealing with a pregnant woman. Don't sell your mate short you may be surprised at her reaction. I believe when given an honest emotion the honesty is appreciated. If you are met with a negative response then at least you have given it your best shot.

For most of the population it isn't that difficult to understand if a man doesn't want to be in the room when it all takes place. That doesn't make you less of a man it just makes you a human. 

Once when we had hit a moose I was helping bleed and gut the animal by the roadside. My poor mate was in the car the whole time very green at the gills. This didn't dimishe his masculinity in any way in my eyes. I did however feel very sorry for him. He was so embarrassed.

It wasn't fair at all. He had been raised in the city and I had been raised in the country. There is a big difference on how you deal with things in these circumstances. 

I was surprised at how ashamed he was at what he saw as a weakness. In my mind it isn't weak to have a touchy stomach. 

I think there is way too much expectations for all these big burley men to perform as superhuman simply because they are men. What we tend to forget is we are all human and subject to all kinds of different likes and dislikes.

Once again honesty is what will speak for you. Women generally don't like timid men but we do like to see you are, at times as vulnerable as we are. I can only say that personally I would rather have my mate tell me " Heh baby I don't think I can do this. " Than have him end up on the floor in the delivery room. Childbirth is not the time or place for false modesty.

If you really can't be there in the room you still have to accept your responsibility in the situation. This is a time when a little take charge is good for you and your mate. Be there for her in other ways. Help her be comfortable. Try to see she has what will help her be as at ease as possible. Just be an all around caring person. If she has a hard time and you hear some nasty comments coming your way during labor, ignore it! By the next day you both will have forgotten all about it as you admire that wonderful little bundle you have made.

When it comes to some of the other issues in your relationship it is up to you to buckle down and see things as they are. I personally really enjoy having a partner that I don't have to spell things out for. Sensitivity can be a great tool. If you try to look around you and you see some thing that needs to be done why not just do it. You are showing you have the intelligence to see what needs to be done and she won't be nattering at you all the time to do stuff. 

Just try not to over step your boundaries. We have all had someone take something we were doing out of our hands and say " Here I'll do that for you." And we all know how much that kind of action annoys us. My advice here would be don't do that to your mate. She will probably resent being treated like a child. Or she will think you view her as an idiot and you will find yourself in an argument.

The tricky part for you men is to know when to step in and when to just let it go. There are women who think you should be a mind reader and know what she wants and needs at all times. To ease this situation simply let your limitations be known. 

You can save yourself some aggravation by being straight forward with this kind of mate and let her know your limitations when they come up. If she in turn treats you as a whimp then you are dealing with a respect issue. In my view any one who would have these kinds of expectations is not being fair to you or them. 

I would suggest sitting down and really hitting this one on the head. If it seems you aren't getting the understanding you need and you still want to continue on with the relationship. Then perhaps some counseling would be in order.

I say perhaps look to counseling not because counseling is always the answer but there could be reasons for your mate's behavior. There may have been a strong or unreasonably dominant man in her life as she was growing up. Someone whom has made her think men are suppose to be unemotional, controlling individuals. These are unrealistic expectations for anyone.

My Mother was always telling us "If I have to ask for your help I don't want it." I'm sorry Mom but this too is an attitude I can't understand. If I need help I had better ask for it or do without. I can't see expecting any one to read my mind.

This brings me to those women who drive men nuts. The one who try to do everything themselves. This would be wonderful if we could all do it all ourselves and we never resented it. Women sometimes do resent having to do so much in the relationship.

In many ways we can be our own worst enemies.

If your mate is one of these you could try looking deeper into why. Try to help where you can and let her know you are available to her and it isn't a problem for you. This may help her to fell better about asking for the help she needs.

It took some learning on my behalf but I can tell you from personal experience, it is really a relief to turn to my mate and ask for what I need. He feels he is a contributing part of our relationship. I have also found I can let go of the control stick every once in a while and not feel guilty about it. Therefore freeing up some time for other things.

Then you can have the man does it all type of relationship. This too can be destructive behavior. This also creates unfair expectations towards men. What happens is men are expected to be the strong ones. The one who can fix all and make it better no matter what. If for some reason they can not complete the task the men themselves feel they have failed.

Sit down and acknowledge your shortcomings. Have a fight about it if that's what it takes. But above all things deal with the issues as they come up. As I have said many times before this will help to keep a small thing from becoming an out of control monster.

If your mate thinks she is super women then talk about this also. I am guilty of this one and I have learnt threw personal back pain that at five foot three and one hundred and ten pounds I have limitations.

Let your mate know you are concerned she is trying to prove she can do what ever a man can do and she may over extend herself. Let her know you want to be at her side when she needs you and you will be. But above all let her know you care once again about what is going on in your world. None of these actions will make you less of a person. It may however make you a hero!

I was having coffee with a female friend the other day when my mate came striding threw the room on his way back from the washroom. In his arms was a load of laundry that had been waiting in the dryer. He nodded at us as he went to the bedroom to put the clothes away. I had to laugh at the look of amazement on her face.

After reassuring her I hadn't brainwashed the poor man I told her the little secret to getting the help you need is being reasonable and letting your needs be know. The big secret is to be willing to give back all the things you receive from your partner. My mate is spoiled in many ways but in the long run so am I. 

I call this ' The Ballet Of life'. If we can stay in step then things seems to have a way of working out nicely. My mate and I didn't come to these terms immediately in our relationship. It took a few fights and a lot of talking. But it was well worth the effort.

There are the times when you will get the mixed messages from your mate. The onus is on you to make you feelings clear and to be willing to admit to your flaws. It isn't a crime to not like certain things. But your mate must be encouraged to join in when it comes to this. I am sure we all share the little shames we have when it comes to being squeamish about certain things.

There will be many situations that will call for you to be in control of things. And there will be times when you have to accept letting the world get along without your help. I hope this helps you decide which is which and by doing so you both get what you need from your relationship.

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