Dealing With Finances
Sooner or later you will find yourself in a conflict over finances with your mate. How the conflict and issues are handled will make the difference between having a huge disagreement with each other or going ahead in dealing with your budget. It will also determine if these issues are going to be a sore point between the two of you throughout your relationship.
If you can sit down and deal with these things as a team even when the money is tight you will be far less stressed out over finances in the future. When you work as a team money issues will not be so overwhelming at those times when things can and will get tight.
There are many ways you can deal with finances. It all depends on what kind of couple you are. My daughter pointed out that 'The times they are very much a changing' when it comes to finances. Women's lib, yuppies, living together or marriage, all these things and many more contribute to what kind of agreement works for you and your relationship.
Make a pot of whatever you both like to drink (no alcohol, just a friendly piece of advice), sit down across the table, have a pen and pad each and pick a time when you aren't already in a disagreement about things. Now you're physically set to go to town on this one. The next step is to prepare your mind.
Don't be afraid to pick your mates brain. It will surprise you at how differently two people can look at the same situation. By being able to listen to each other and talk about things openly, you will hopefully be able to balance, not only your checkbook but your relationship as well.
There is some ground rules in going into any discussion, besides what I have already mentioned in previous chapters. When you first begin to live together it can at be uncomfortable talking about money. At this time in your relationship you probably think finances won't be a problem. It would only be realistic however to realize there will be times when you don't always see eye to eye on issues.
Always remember you can't hear if you aren't listening. Your partner is just that, a partner. Treat them as such and expect to be treated as such in return. Deal with the problems before they become big issues in your relationship.
As usual it all comes down to whether or not you really want to deal with things. You have to communicate in all aspects of your relationship including finances. There aren't any steadfast rules as to who initiates the topic, as long as it gets initiated.
I want to mention my opinion on steadfast rules in life. All you can go on is what works for you. People have gotten angry with me because I believe there isn't any set time for grief, mourning or how long it should be after divorce before you date again. And I believe there aren't any set rules to life! We are all too individual to have just one set. That is my opinion and I am standing by it.
Having decided that finances need to be dealt with there is other considerations on the matter. What kind of couple are you. There are way too many types to list them all but you know what I mean. Are you yuppies? Do you stand total by equality? Are you a one-income family? These are only some of the issues that come into play when it comes to dealing with finances.
If you can find an equal sharing point you will probably find things works pretty well for you. There is no such thing as perfectly balanced. If you understand this then you will not be disappointed at those times when you don't necessarily get your fair share.
What it comes down to is treating each other, as you want to be treated in return. If you can practice this you will definitely have far fewer problems. Look at individual needs such as lunch expenses. Are you a smoker? Do you drink alcohol? Those type of things. Write them down and figure out what each expense comes to.
Then take your household expenses and list them. Groceries, utilities, those things. Don't miss the small stuff. Take the total income coming into your house and subtract. Don't be frightened by the result of this. It may look very scary but by setting it all down you have a point to look at when starting to deal with the bills. Pay them as best you can and try hard to stand together as you do it.
Budgeting your money is a whole other issue. Once again go into this prepared as before. A neutral setting, pen and paper in hand, and a good cup of whatever is your choice. Look at your partner and remember you have a friend to work with, not an enemy to duel against. Respect each other's outlook on things. Always be willing to at least listen, you never know when you may learn something. Now you're ready to begin working out the fine details for a good budget blueprint.
Budgeting money is a pain at the best of times but if you're in a relationship where perhaps one of you smokes or drinks and the other doesn't then you need to really look at being fair. For example, I don't drink but my mate does, we both smoke, what do you do in this situation.
There is no need to get into a touchy situation over money. Look at what you've got, look at what you're bringing in, the rest is simple math. If you're a smoker and your partner isn't, be fair enough to allow them a little extra in the budget. The same goes for alcohol. It is completely unrealistic to expect this kind of expense to be included in the same budget as household stuff.
Women's personal items are needs not luxuries but there are some very good generic brands of items available. I very proudly load up my cart with generic items. With each item I see savings and with the savings I may buy that cheesecake we couldn't have afforded otherwise.
Try to make sure you have a wee bit saved aside for entertainment. No you do not have to go out once a week. A nice time together in the evening can count as going out. You could rent a movie once a week and snuggle. Movies can be erotic and fun. Or they can really trigger some good talks.
You could have a cook off and end up in a food fight. We do this one occasionally it's a lot of fun. I don't encourage throwing food around but I'll admit to starting it every once in a while. I have found my mate can out cook me every time. There are a lot of things that can count as fun entertainment. Whatever works for your situation.
There always seems to be one who is a spender and one who is cheap. You can balance this with a little co-operation. I am a cheapskate and proud of it. But I also love to indulge my loved ones with my savings. I keep track of my savings and buy extras for my loved ones. Last time my mate got a nice c.d. player. Every once in a while when I can afford it I get a bonus too.
I find this method works well but there some things that need to be dealt with. You both have to have a contributing part in this program. If you really hate grocery shopping then maybe your mate can do that. You on the other hand do not walk away and that's that. Your turn will be in the putting away of said groceries or some such equal chore. Both of you have to give some input on the groceries and any other purchases. Otherwise you are going to find you are fighting about money and you're always broke. And you never have what you need in supplies.
Things will get tight at times and the temptation to put blame is strong but don't do it. Laying blame is only self-destructive. The shopping, budget and who gets what arrangements really need to be give and take.
I know a woman who doesn't drink, has never smoked and she very rarely goes out. She isn't a recluse. They were just living on a very tight budget. She has been married for twelve years and helped her mate raise a teenage son from his previous marriage. I believe this a very giving and caring person.
Her mate however must not have appreciated this fact. Their marriage has ended. She has fallen in love with and is living with a man she has known for a long time. A mutual friend. This man saw what a true good spirit she is. Kiss one marriage good-bye.
Two things happened to contribute to ending a twelve-year marriage. Her mate never worked with her on many things in the relationship, decision making, raising a child, all that stuff. He didn't work with her because he didn't appreciate her. She however never let it be know how she felt sometimes about having to sacrifice so much for her family. In other words they never talked about things.
It takes two to make or break a relationship. Even if you are sharing your life with a crazy person it is still up to you to say how you feel. If their insanity is driving you nuts you have to say something for things to change. Remaining silent is an invitation for misunderstandings and arguments.
It is important to remain in control here. Don't let the picky monster get you. Men can complain as much as women. Some men are very good at complaining about all kind of little things. Just as some women are too. It will cause fights in your relationship if you don't practice the give and take that is needed in some situations. Be kind and fair hopefully you will come to some kind of agreeable terms when your relationship needs it.
Neither party should ever make a major decision without some kind of input from the other. Cars, houses, large fancy toys, those kinds of things count as major items. If the purchase is away from the already balanced budget, you should sit down and decide how to fit it into your lifestyle.
Be prepared to make compromises with your mate. When it comes to a budget there isn't two people who think alike on how to balance it. Sometimes the other party may have a cheaper way to do things, or an easier one.
We can't all expect to get everything we want. But we can expect our mate to be willing to go as far as you will for the sake of making a budget work. As with all things compromise, fairness and communication are needed for the balance we all want in our relationships.
For those of you who have decided keep your own paychecks, buy your own personal needs and contribute equally to the bills and household, all I can say is good luck! This is one of the hardest ways to try to start a relationship. That sounds very opinionated I know but I personally believe this is true.
You are going into a relationship as two but in many ways you are going to be functioning as one when you decide to budget individually. To be true to your commitment to each other I believe, (and this is only my opinion) that you have to learn how to share. Learning this at the beginning of the relationship gives you a nice cushion when things get tight. It's nice to have someone to turn to when you're a bit down and out.
The advise I have for couples who go the individual budget route is not that great but it comes from my heart. Be kind when the time comes that your mate needs a little extra from you. As with all things, hopefully the give and take will come back to you when you need it.
I want to say thank you to my daughter, Myra for her help with this chapter! I have picked your brain thoroughly for this and you didn't seem to mind. I didn't realize how many different aspects there is to dealing with finances. You were able to give me a much younger and broader view on this issue. Thanks my girl you make me proud as usual!
For chapter five we will be dealing with what to do when you get yourself into trouble. This may not be anyone's favorite subject but it is a reality we all have to face. Some of us tend to get into trouble more so than other's. You can make it much smoother sailing when you know how to admit when you're wrong and how to apologize properly to your mate.
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