Back to Basics -- Part 3
by Cynthia McCaffrey

When Problems Do Arise!

No matter how great your relationship is you will have arguments. You can be the nicest guy in the world and still have problems. Problems at work, after work with the guys and at home.

It's just that if you're a decent enough person you won't have some of the problems a jerk would have. 

Men spend a lot of their valuable time involved in stupid arguments. A stupid argument is one that has no point. A sad fact is there is a strong lack of purpose to this kind of behavior. This tells people you simply like to argue.

Pick and chose what you fight about. Is it important enough to waist some time and energy on? Can you look at the situation shrug your shoulders and walk away? Looking at things this way could really help to lower you and your mates stress level. 

It's a great feeling to know how to pick and chose your issues. Having enough control to do this is almost a rush. It also serves to frustrate the hell out of who ever you are arguing with. You will find you can have a much better success rate when you are arguing something that really matters to you. Instead of arguing trivial things that aren't going to make a difference in the long run.

Fair fighting! Yes there is such thing as fair fighting. This seems to be a contradiction in terms. To have fought a dirty fight benefits no one. The point of an argument is to settle a difference between you and whom ever. If no point was made then you have just wasted alot of time. When you fight dirty it solves none of the problem leading up to the argument. Usually it only escalates things.

Does this one sound familiar? You called me a bastard, Yeah well you called me a bitch first! If it does then that wasn't a fair fight. You will probably find you and your mate solve very little using this method. Your arguments will last longer and be far nastier than need be. 

Fair fighting means going into an argument prepared but willing to listen to the other person's opinion. You can never tell when someone might have a more valid point than yours. When you take the time to behave this way everyone wins. Who ever was right feels verified and who ever has been defeated has hopefully learnt something new.

Men and women have very unique ways of fighting. Both sexes have their own set of rules. This fact tends to lead to some nasty arguments between the two. It's very hard to understand something if it's alien to you.

If a cat and a dog had a fight they wouldn't understand each other. Therefore no one would know what the argument was all about. It tends to be this way with men and women. We do a lot of yelling but no one is hearing the words. 

This is happening because we don't understand each other very well. In some ways we are worlds apart. Our thinking is different, our ways of handling things are definitely different and what is important to us is different too.

In any relationship you are going to have an occasional argument. It doesn't have to be world war three. Feelings don't have to be stepped on, there doesn't need to be nasty name-calling and button pushing. You can both have a productive battle and walk away winners. Believe it or not it's the truth!

Your part in having a fair fight is to try to use a little bit more logic, control and compassion. You can start this off by sitting down and working out some rules for fair fighting with your partner. It may sound odd but if you can manage to do it, you will find you have done the kindest thing you ever could have for your relationship. By working out prior fair fighting rules you will be more likely to turn to each other when the important stuff comes along. Instead of turning against each other.

One of the worst things you can do is fool yourself into thinking you will never have fights. This is just setting your self up. If you think you'll never fight you will be completely unprepared when it does happen. You will be frustrated and at some point things will get out of control. Then the button pushing is more likely to come into play. Around and around you will go.

Work on it a bit together when you aren't in the heat of battle. Talk in good humor about what is and isn't fair for the two of you. You can approach it with a simple list of things that could be said or done in the middle of an argument that would make you go nuts. 
This list is not to ever be used as ammunition. That wouldn't be considered fair fighting. That would also blow up in your face eventually.

Don't be afraid to laugh while your making your list be known. It's good for you. Arguments can be really funny when you think about them afterwards. They can be hilarious if you're an outsider just listening in.

You aren't going into war but you need to be realistic about your life. Arguments will happen. Pick and chose and play fair! That is my advice for the whole situation. There are a variety of things that can push our buttons. It's important to know what kind of buttons your mate has. Not everyone has the same kind of buttons. A nasty name may trigger anger with one person yet a different person may laugh it off. 

It is not fair fighting to deliberately push your mate's buttons. We are all guilty of doing this. We will resort to button pushing when we feel cornered. Not only is this unfair it is also unproductive. This way of fighting leaves feelings of frustration and resentment from both parties. 

A good clean fight should leave both parties feeling refreshed and ready to kiss and make up. Like a good boxing match. If you come away feeling as if you have made your point or you have learnt something then you have had a good argument. 

At the first signs of an argument you have the power to stop things from getting out of control. No matter how angry you are at the moment try to remember you love your mate. If you can go about things this way you will find it easier to say 'I love you' at the end of the day and mean it.

Take a look at the kind of arguments you're having with your mate. Are they the kind that goes on for days on end? Or do you go in find the problem, fix it and be done with it?

By taking a look at your argument habits. You can find a lot of underlying answers to why a person responds to certain things in certain ways. If calling her a bitch really sends her off then don't do it. Try to know most of the buttons your mate comes with. Respect her buttons and she will respect yours. That's pretty basic.

By respecting the buttons you shouldn't push you are creating an easier way to settle your differences. If there is an interest on both your parts towards fair fighting you will also find that your fights are farther apart. Life will never be totally harmonious but it's nice to enjoy yours.

If you are finding you have an irresistible urge to push your mate's buttons then there is more to the issue than you're admitting to. Doing this it may mean you're not dealing with some deeper problem between the two of you. This kind of behavior is never productive. 

I am not a physiologist but I would suspect if you look at why you're hostile then you can deal with the real issues. You may even want to let your mate in on the secret. Giving them a chance to understand better why you're pushing their buttons at times. 

For example, You're angry because her Mom and Dad are always over and it's getting on your nerves. Your mate comes home and you pounce on them with, " You're bloody Mom and Dad are driving me nuts get rid of them!" Your mate is only going to hear your tone and see your attitude. 

She is at no time going to want to understand why you're blowing up. All she is going to do is react. You will get some nasty retort and away you both go to battle.

If you can try " I know you love your Mom and Dad but we need to have our time too?" You have much better odds on getting some understanding about the problem. You may have to live with the parents over a lot but your mate will know if your seem a bit annoyed at them being there. 

Arguments have a necessary function in our lives. The air needs to be cleared once in awhile. Small issues when not dealt with can become very large issues. Especially if you are living in the same house. At work you can go home and forget it. At home you are expected to hang around and be a nice human being about it.

Many times we try to ignore the things that really bug us. When you face the true problem head on you give yourself something special. Power over your emotions. This in turn makes you a more stable and comforting partner. Some one you mate will be confident in counting on. Everybody wins!

Try to be just in your complaints to your mate. They are new to your lifestyle too. I'm sure we all have complaints about one thing or the other. The question is what is really important to you. I

Important issues are the ones that will bother you. Anything else is too small to worry about. If one of you is picking at small things then you need to work out what is the real problem.

How much closet room is needed? How do you like your toiletries arranged? Do you like magazines in the bathroom or not? These are all the kind of things that will come up. You may be saying to yourself" These things seem small and unimportant." But six months into the relationship you may be thinking differently. 

Things can become bigger than you think. You need to try to have a neutral outlook when dealing with some issues. Look at the complaint and see if it can be fixed easily. Handling things as they happen instead of just brushing them off is simply good preventative medicine. 

It is difficult at times to even want to talk to your mate. If you are angry with your partner it can be really tricky actually sitting and speaking civilly to one and other. This is where having learnt how to fight fair can come very in handy.

My Mom gave me a few helpful tips in life. One of them was," Be careful what you say, you can never make words go away." This is far more profound than you would ever think. Many times I have held my tongue for a moment thinking of her. It has always kept me from saying something cruel or unfair, simply because I was angry.

There has been a few things said to me that I will never heal completely from. They have apologized but the words are still there in my mind forever. This may very well be a flaw in my character but I do believe it's true. So just take a moment to think before you blurt out whatever nasty thing comes to your mind.

Sadly it is true men can be clumsy when it comes to expressing themselves. Especially if they are angry. Accepting the fact that you may not have the best communication skills will help you think before you speak. Hopefully heading off any really bad feelings between you and your mate.

Try to think of it this way, it is far better to shorten the battle and have the scars heal sooner. I don't mean every disagreement is a battle. But a little kindness and understanding for the other guy will help all the way around when a fight does break out.

It is just common sense to know you are going to disagree at some time in your relationship. However it takes some smarts to know how to make it a worth well experience. By worth well I mean you come away learning something about yourself, your partner, or the relationship. This is called everybody wins once again!

It is a common belief men, don't have a place in bringing up the problems in a relationship. The woman was always the one to start things when it came to a fight. If this is true men are being shortchanged. That does not mean poor, poor you. It means you are missing out on the right to have your say in this world. It also means you are spending a lot of your life settling for whatever is decided on for you. 

I grew up in the seventies era. These were the times supposedly when the woman made all the decisions for her man. Her job was to raise a happy family and make a good home. Dad came home to hear her complaints of the kids misbehaving and things going wrong around the house. He usually didn't respond much because he wasn't really listening.

Today you should be listening. We have evolved into a very different kind of society. It is a society that expects fathers to be in the labor room, changing dirty diapers and still go to a job everyday. Sharing decisions and being responsible for your decisions you do make it part of the deal too.

Whether you think this is fair or not this is the way it is. Believe me when I tell you women do expect these things and they are right in doing so. Your job here is to excersise your right to be informed. This will help you to be a much happier person. Ask questions and expect answers. Wanting to know about anything and everything in your relationship is completely all right.

By being strong and exercising your rights you have once again empowered yourself. You will have some say in your life and you will find your partner is less prone to be stressed out. She will have a mate that she can turn to. Instead of feeling like she has to make every thing work out herself. 

The only way I know of doing this is, once again, communicating! I don't care in what form you do it. You can write it down, you can talk, you can send out smoke signals, but you do have to do it. It won't be easy and you need a cooperative partner. Put to practice some of these methods should help you keep things on an even level.

In chapter four I am going to be dealing with the tricky subject of sharing finances. How to do your fair share and come away feeling like you have been ripped off. How to be realistic and fair in your expectations for your partner.

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