Getting Started
You've gone out and you've met someone. You've gotten to know her pretty good. You're hoping to start a relationship with her. Now you're wondering what can you do to develop a relationship that's relatively happy and well balanced?
To have a realistically happy relationship with anyone you need to be honest and open about your wants and needs. Be clear with your mate and yourself. You will both be going into a relationship with expectations. Having expectations is all right but you have to be fair. Everyone has expectations no matter who you are. Not all are met but if you are honest and open about your needs this will increase your chances of your needs met.
Be willing to work on building a good relationship. By work I don't mean you have to run out and buy flowers or diamonds. Sitting and pretending to listen to her every word isn't what I mean either. If you're sure you want a relationship and she is in agreement then begin to lay down some of the groundwork.
Having a good relationship isn't all work and no play but there has to be a little effort put in by both parties. The key is to work as a team. Seeing you're taking things seriously will help your mate feel she can work with you.
Drop any dating games you both may have been playing up to this point. The dating game is over; it's time to get serious if this is what you really want. Be sure this is what both of you want! If one of you isn't sure this doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship. This just means you may have to wait a little while. Let her know it's okay whichever way you both decide.
Communication is the first step in your groundwork. Your duty is to let your needs be known. You can't expect someone to know what you want if you don't say what that is. Being realistic and open only improves the chance you have of success.
Those nice long talks you had on your dates covered a lot of your hopes and dreams. Dating conversations don't always cover everything. This is a good time to do just that. Try not to be too serious though. It wouldn't hurt to brush the cobwebs from your sense of humor. Deciding to get married or live together is a very big decision. A little humor can take a lot of stress out of the situation, for you as well as your mate.
Weddings are exciting, confusing and scary all wrapped up together. Try to be tolerant of all the craziness that may come your way. Seeing you are in control will help things go much more smoothly for your mate. It's comforting to have someone stable beside you at these times. It will make a big difference to the whole situation.
If living together is what you want you have avoided the problems of planing a wedding. However you will still be living together after the party is over. Either way adjustments have to be made on both of your behalves. You will get sick of hearing this but the only way you can achieve happy harmony is by communicating.
Do you want children? No it's not a trick question but it generally doesn't come up a lot during dating talks. If you have firm feelings on this subject you should mention it now. Be sure how you feel and listen to her carefully when she tells you how she feels. Children are for keeps and they depend on us big people to want and love them.
I have a girlfriend who is splitting up over the issue of children. Her fiancée has never told her he wanted them. They have been engaged for two years. They are having some horrible fights over this issue. This is not a nice thing to do to your mate. Whether you want children or not how you feel about this is very important.
There is no a right or wrong answers to this subject. The only rule is you have to be honest with your partner. Don't let it slide avoiding the subject. Please don't be silly enough to think you'll get used to the kids once they start to come along. It doesn't work that way. That kind of attitude will leave you out in the cold if you do have children. It can also contribute to a lot of resentment on both sides.
When it comes to things like habits here's a little known secret. We all come with our own baggage and little quirks. I don't care how well adjusted you think you are, you have them too! There are some habits that are more than just bad habits. They can be damaging to a relationship.
For example I don't sleep a lot. I never come to bed before four a.m. This was okay for me all I need is five hours a night. But for my mate this wasn't okay. He was going to bed alone and resenting it. He never said this habit really bothered him. We finally had a big argument about it; I gave my head a shake realizing that if I wanted to keep things working I would have to learn how to compromise. I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour more often now. The nights I do spend writing I make sure I tuck him in first. It sounds simple but the point is we had to come to an argument to get there. This is an argument that should have never happened. Communication in any way is better than not saying anything. Pay attention to your mate that way there will be less bad surprises and more fun times.
If you are finding that some of her habits are annoying or worrying you then it's time to talk to her. If you let them slide because you don't want to talk or you don't want to make waves, then you're only inviting trouble. There will come an argument at some point down the road that will trigger the feelings of resentment. Think of all the fun fights you can have then. Dealing with situations promptly will save you from a lot of hassles later.
Likes and dislikes these are problems that will become power struggles if not handled properly. If you love to fish and she can't stand it you have a problem. Some couples like to just go their separate ways for these things. This isn't the whole answer to this problem.
Going your separate ways for short periods of time is a good thing for all of us. Don't let it become habit though. Some couples start doing so much apart they really aren't a couple anymore.
It isn't asking too much for her to try fishing. If she has tried and she hates it, respect her feelings. You could try to trim down on the fishing trips a little. Do a together thing instead once in awhile.
Remember what goes around comes around. When she has one of those things she really likes to do and you hate. It's only fair you should be given the same options you gave her.
We have gone briefly into sexuality already but the words power struggle made me think of something. Have you ever made love and you got the impression she really wasn't there? How did you handle this? If you said nothing, if you just turned over and went to sleep, you have thrown down the power struggle gauntlet.
In that one action you have A) gotten what you wanted B) made her think her satisfaction is irrelevant and C) Created a lot of friction that will eventually come out as an argument.
You will be angry about something and she may be thinking about the nights she fell asleep frustrated. While you are trying to make your point she may still be thinking, "If you don't care about my feelings in bed you sure as hell don't give a damn about anything else that matters to me." The argument will go wandering off into another direction and you will never get your point across.
Next time you make love and this happens don't roll over and go to sleep. Sit up, look her right in the eye then let tell her know you feel she may have been a little preoccupied. Then ask her what the problem is. You will be surprised at the results when things are handled this way.
By addressing the issue right there, naked, right when it has happened, you will be telling her a few things. A) You do give a damn about her feelings, you noticed she was distant. B) You're on to the fact she can do better and C) you are saying you want to deal with your issues as a couple.
Dealing with a situation directly gives her a chance to express her needs to you. She is also put in the position of having to deal with issues when they happen. A good habit for both of you to get into.
Speaking of habits, how are yours? Whom do you guys think you're fooling? We know you fart and belch. We are very aware of this fact. Yet men manage to act like they have never belched or farted in their life. That is until about three months into the relationship.
This behavior is really unfair. I still argue the fact that if the president was sitting next to you would you let her rip or would you discretely hang on until hopefully a better moment came along.
A little consideration goes a long way. I find myself unable to suggest how to put a stop to this. My only suggestion is just try to be polite.
Please and thank are words we all have begun to forget about. It doesn't matter how long you have been together manors have a necessary function in every relationship. As I have stated before I like it when someone opens a door or holds my chair for me. Those are things I expect from my partner. I don't think I'm the only woman out there who feels this way. Remember brownie points always come in handy.
Pets can be a very good indication of how you will handle children and responsibilities. If you're living together or thinking about it this is the time to lay down some basics. I'm not talking about fish or lizards or something like that. I'm talking dogs, cats, and birds. The kinds that require some up keep. Just because one of you comes into a relationship with a pet it does not mean you are the only one responsible for it.
I get arguments on this one all the time but I believe you have to be willing to share responsibilities with your partner. If she comes with a cat it is, in a vague way, like if she came with a child. Part of your job, as a good partner is to help with the child.
Help with the chores not because you have been bitched into it. Do it because you were open and honest about wanting her and her pet. I sincerely hope you were honest and open about your feelings. If your partner comes with a cat then when it's time to change the littler box you can do it also.
All chores should be as even as possible. I find in my house a simple rule works. If you see something that needs to be done then just do it. This way you aren't leaving it up to your partner. These actions show you're paying attention and that you care about your world. Once again remember this is a two way street and it is okay to expect your partner to do the same for you and your pets.
Caring is an endearing quality all women love. Even the bad boys have to show some small amount of compassion or women don't stay around long. The trick is to show you care without being a wimp or ridiculed by your peers.
I have found moderation is a safe bet in most aspects of life. Bring her a cup of coffee if you get up first. I love that one. Ask her if she would like her back washed when she's in the tub. Chances are you will both enjoy that one.
There are a lot of little things you can do to show her you care. It is my opinion that you don't have to be flamboyant about showing affection. She will already know you're a caring person by the way you are working with her in your day to day relationship.
Setting up house can turn into a nightmare. Head the nightmare off by thinking about what you're doing. The stress you are feeling setting up house is temporary. Both parties should be aware of the problems there can be when moving in together. Hopefully this will help stop a few arguments. Once again a sense of humor helps.
Décor and placement of personal items should be decided on fairly. If you want to hang your prize fish on the living room wall you can't tell her to trash the lacy curtains cause they'll clash. Find another happy place for your fish, if she doesn't want them in the living room. Then ask for some kind of neutral curtains that you would like too. Compromise works very well for both parties. She will be impressed if you show some kind of interest in these issues.
We as human beings need our own things with us wherever we go and we need space for our things. I haven't found a lot of difference between the sexes when it comes to this. The stuff is just different. Try to allow each other a decent amount of space.
Some people come with a lot of stuff that needs weeding out. Here is something to remember, before you start calling all her stuff junk. She will be living with you and what ever you bring along. When it comes time to weed things out, if you were kind to her you can expect her to do the same for you.
The thought of spending time with her family shouldn't make you break out in a cold sweat or annoy the hell out of you. Usually if you're a nice guy and it shows they will be decent to you. But there may be the odd balls that can't be civil to anyone.
If you find you feel you're spending too much time with her family or there is a member or two you can't handle, there is an easy way to deal with this. Tell her how you feel! Don't be a jerk back to them or throw them out of your house. Relate to her the fact that you also have relatives. If she thinks about this she will be willing to compromise. It will be noticed that you weren't a jerk to her family and you came to her with your problem.
I travel a lot and it has always worried me when I see an older couple sitting at a table in a restaurant and they haven't got a word to say to each other. There is no need to get to this point.
Find a way to share some of your interests and you will always have something to talk about. If you notice a lack of interest coming from your mate then try to find a common thread to enjoy together. Something you both like to do would be a good start. Then use that common thread to keep the action happening.
You could look into a new interest or two for both of you. You will find as you're doing things together, you will usually be talking. As you're talking you will be getting to know each other better, at a comfortable pace.
If you are a couple who likes to have a guy and gal's night out there is nothing wrong with this agreement. Trust is an issue you really should deal with in this case. If you don't trust her and end up following her around on girl's night out to see what she's doing, or if the roles are reversed you have a problem. This problem is a trust issue.
Trust is one of those necessary ingredients in a sound relationship. If there is distrust it shows in all aspects between the two of you. When there is distrust it is usually because your mate has been lied to. If there haven't been any lies and trust is still an issue then your mate is feeling insecure for some other reason.
Don't just brush the insecurity off as jealousy. A lot of our insecurities can be traced to the environment we grew up in. If we receive little or the wrong kind of attention when we were growing up it will show in many ways. If a little girl grows up watching Daddy having affairs she is going to have a hard time trusting men.
Take a look at your partner's life before you came along. If you can be sensitive you will see some of the connections that may be causing the insecurity. You don't have to be a psychologist to be able to see how this works. You do have to be paying attention to what is going on around you.
Trust is earned and lost very easily. Getting it back is next to impossible. Be honest with your mate right from the start of the relationship. I know at one time or other even the most honest of us are guilty of telling a fib here and there. The kind of honestly I am talking about is the deep down honesty. The kind that really counts.
Honesty isn't always easy to handle. I am famous for being honest no matter what. There have been times in my life when I didn't want to be as honest as I had to be. I try to always be as gentle as possible when delivering honesty. I have found tactfulness is honesty's best friend.
If she asks you how she looks before you go out be kind but honest. A woman doesn't want to go to the washroom an hour after you have been at the restaurant only to see a clown looking back in the mirror. We rely in many ways on our partners to tell us the truth.
Your mate needs to know your honesty will be there forever. Don't start of your relationship with lies between you. She may not want to hear some of the things you are saying. But she will be grateful for the fact that you are an honest man.
You're laying a very sound basis for you and your mate by making this a habit. Nothing spells security better than a mate who can be trusted.
If you aren't being questioned about every thing you do, then you will feel comfortable telling your mate the truth about future issues. As always be kind. She has some things she would like to talk about also. By being honest, you are paving the way for her.
If honesty becomes a habit early in the relationship you will find you don't have the petty arguments that insecurity brings. Being honest doesn't give you license to be cruel. Be as kind as you would like her to be with you.
No matter what you do there will be problems. There will be great times too. In chapter three we will be going into the do and don'ts of settling in together.
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