Your Attitudes and Beliefs
(Why you do those crazy things you do)
Let’s begin with looking at you. What makes up your personal make-up? I know this is brutal but attitudes, beliefs and communication is all part of life. If you can come to an understanding of these you’re just armed a little bit better to deal with your problems. So let’s just jump right in. These are touchy subjects that can turn into major issues, which in turn can become down right nasty to deal with. Unless you understand what you’re dealing with.
This doesn’t need to be a major issue and it doesn’t need to be complicated or intimidating. It is simply that nasty word communication must come into play. I realize for some of us communication is difficult for some it’s next to impossible. Humans habitually withdraw from talking about their feelings. Yet we crave understanding and expectance. The onus is on you to speak your mind and let your mate know what you want.
Once again I must tell you I am not an expert on any one subject. Please take what I say as friendly advice, not as a fact of life. Every person is unique and should be treated as such.
However I do believe that we are all the product of three major factors in our lives.
1) Genetics = the way you look, talk or walk.
Your parents, grandparents and all of the relatives down the lines contribute to this factor. When someone looks at you what they see is your genetic make-up.
2) Environment = the places and the cultures we grow up in.
All cultures are different and worlds apart in attitudes towards sex, lifestyles and behavior. Behavior that some cultures may frown upon is acceptable to others. The environment you have grown up in dictates to a great degree a) how you see things and b) how you handle them. When you understand this you can easily see why you handle things in certain ways. Correcting any problems is up to you however.
3) Input = what has been taught to us by our parents, peers, etc.
How you behave towards women, your friends and yourself are designed largely by input. (The positive as well as negative) It may sound similar to the environment issue but there are some large differences. Input is given directly to you from your family and friends. What one family sees as good old fun, another may see as an act of insanity. Depending on the kind of input that was given to them from their family and friends.
Let’s take these three issues and try to take some of the confusion out of it. “While you’re reading this please be honest and fair.” To yourself and your mate. As you flip through these pages try to remember it’s not nice to be judgmental. As a society we have taken a once beautiful concept (relationships) and turned it into a power struggle between the sexes. If I have done my job right some of this will make sense to you but better yet some of it may even help!
Genetics.…
The lesson here is to learn to live with what you got. You don’t have to be ecstatic about your appearance just makes life a little easier. Celebrate you and what makes you feel good. Think of your appearance as your trademark. (Yes that was an attempt at a pep talk)
If you like cowboy hats (for example) and all your buddy’s wear baseball caps. There is no reason why you can’t wear your cowboy hat. It is advisable to take the time to really look in a mirror before leaving the house. Most of us know what we can and can’t pull off. Personally I’m a free spirit. I love to just be comfy in what ever I’m wearing. I wander around in jeans and a large mans flannel shirt most days. I’ve known men who think this is incredibly sexy and some that don’t.
I do however try not to be seen in my pajamas. I hate sweat suits I think sweats belong at home or only when exercising. But I am also uncomfortable with a man who leaves his tie done up all day. The point is we all have very different taste. Rather than try to please someone else why not go with what works for you. The women will let you know if they like your look.
There are some little things you can do to be a little more appealing to the female of the species. For example bathing. No I am not for one moment suggesting men don’t bathe. What I am saying is that by the end of the day some of you could use a quick shower. I’ve driven semis and there were some days when I would come away smelling like I had showered in diesel. This is not a pleasant smell my friend. Mechanics, cowboys, roofers, ect.ect. I know you get my drift. Grimy nails and or bad smells could make a woman think you don’t care about your self-image. Not a good thing. Just a tiny addition here. If you are a shaver PLEASE for God sake shave regularly. A two-day stubble really hurts.
Let’s carry on to the ‘Dress code’. Basically anything can go here guys. Jean’s, dress pants, bad boy leathers, what ever turns your crank. The variety of dress can be as vast as the variety of women you hang around. Take what you’ve got and have fun with it. When you look in the mirror if you’re happy with it that's good enough. Just try to be honest when you’re looking at that reflection. Shocking a person is not the way to be noticed.
We can’t all afford plastic surgery so take what Mother Nature has given and be as grateful as you can be. Most women are realistic enough to know a muscle bound stud is not the norm. We do however like to see a little attempt to keep in shape. It isn’t the weight factor we look at. I think it’s more the energy level our mates have that counts with us.
This is where fair play comes into the picture. Try to remember all the efforts you gone through. The next time you’re looking at the fine lady walking down the street. Think of us average women who live in a world where beauty does count. It counts a lot to us. To be able to be comfy just as we are and be accepted that way, would really be nice.
If you present yourself to a female looking like you have a bit of class this is an impression she will remember. Even a ripped T-shirt looks better clean. Besides knowing that you’ve got it together can be a great ego booster.
Environment...
Your environment is a big factor in your life. It plays a large part of who we are and what we become. But in the male-female scheme of things it take’s a very interesting role. I think it works something like this, (remember I’m not an expert this is just my opinion).
If you’re born to a family like the ‘Munster’s’ it’s a pretty safe guess most of you would wind up sleeping hanging upside down. If you come from parents that have respect and love for one another, and if they aren’t afraid to show it. Then chances are you will be a respectful loving partner in your relationship. Pretty simple right? Put that way it is. The trick is to see what your environment has been and how it has affected you. Then take an honest look at you and your attitudes. Is your way working for your relationship?
Do things seem tense or are they getting down right nasty? I’m going to go on the assumption things aren’t that great right now. Otherwise you probably wouldn’t be reading this book. This should tell you what worked for your parent isn’t necessarily working for you. As I often tell my daughter “Watch closely to what I do and take my mistakes with you. But use them only as a learning tool. Please just don’t judge me. Kids don’t come with a manual either you know.” (I always have to throw that last part in)
In a relationship I find kindness and love go a long way. I feel very safe and comfortable with a man whom I know has a kind soul. It tells me he will care how I feel and he cares about the world. Don’t be afraid to show that you care. Women will notice.
I like to have my door opened for me and my cigarette lit. I know a compliment goes a long way with me. By the way when giving a compliment be sincere. These are my preferences. So all women’s libber’s please just relax! I ‘m not saying all women are this way. I’m just saying some of us are!
There are some women who don’t care for overly chauvinistic men but we do want a man to tell us what they want.
Macho man in bed can work well if it’s done properly. Mommy’s boys turn a lot of women off. Middle of the road always works well. What I’m saying is sometimes we do like to be dominated. However we don’t want you always running the whole show. Moderation is as always a good idea.
FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY there I said it. Foreplay can make or break a round of sex. I know some of us who just don’t get this one. Foreplay isn’t a one-man effort despite what you’ve heard.
We all need to just relax and have a little fun. It’s my opinion sex has become way too complex. This goes along with making our lifestyles as complex as we have. High Tec is wonderful but there are places where the personal touch is very nice. My advice is to simplify. Simplify and be honest with yourself.
Look at the foreplay issue as if you were a virgin again. (Come on now it hasn’t been that long) Take a moment to remember what it felt like the first time you touched a leg or fondled a set of nice firm breasts. Have I got your attention? The butterflies in your stomach, the sweaty palms. Do you remember the anticipation? Anticipation can be a great form of foreplay. Just a little something to think about.
Sex should never be considered dirty or crude. I have a theory that as long as it’s between two consenting adults pretty well anything goes. I don’t think I have to go into the exceptions that come with the rule. There are some things that just shouldn’t even be considered.
Foreplay can be wonderful and fun when approached right. If you have a fantasy try to let your partner in on the idea. I know it isn’t easy for a man or woman to talk about what interests you sexually. If you find you’re really uncomfortable talking then you’ll have to go one step further. Research! This is a dirty word for some of you. But this kind of research can be fun. Pick up a book and try to visualize what you’re reading.
I feel I should mention that you should watch your partner’s reaction if you make some suggestions. It’s up to you to know when you’re drawing a red flag. If you really aren’t sure about her reaction then wait and do your research on your own. Try looking it up on line or find a book on the subjects that interest. There’s a lot out there.
If you are the kind of person who is really uncomfortable talking, reading a book is nice and private. No one has to know and you will have time to form your own opinions on some subjects. Don’t bombard your mate with a whole bunch of fantasies all at once. You may cause a stampeed out the door. I think most of you will know when you’re stretching things too far. Things such as bestiality, s&m, diapering etc. come to mind. Be careful not to offend.
Listen closely to how she agrees. (If she does) Women are creatures with hang-ups too. They will feel guilty if they say no. In order to avoid guilt she will sometimes say yes. Do not use this guilt to get what you want! This is very important, gentlemen! You may get what you want but eventually she will turn on you for your unfairness.
If you feel your fantasies aren’t being met with-in reason, perhaps there is a need for counseling of some kind.
There shouldn’t be shame or embarrassment when it comes to talking with your partner. What one partner thinks is odd or a bit twisted another may think is fine. It’s possible to compromise with your mate but you have to communicate your needs first.
There is no rule that says you have to spill you guts right away. You only need to do that which you are comfortable doing. When she asks (and she will trust me) there is nothing wrong if you do some research before you discuss things. When you’re comfortable then it’s time for you to talk.
It’s true what they say; knowledge is a powerful thing. There is a lot of comfort in approaching an issue having armed yourself with some good sound information. For some women it is a wonderful thing to have a mate, who knows what he wants and what he’s doing and how to do it.
Once you open up a little you will probably notice a big difference. She may even want to start sharing a fantasy or two of her own. Oh what fun is to be had by all!
The old saying you get what you give is so very true in this case. Once you start acting like you know which end is up (chuckle, chuckle) she will be paying attention. Erogenous zones are great but you have to know what the word means first. Go for the right kind of info here guys. Some kind of material relating to you and your partners tastes. How to get pleasure, how to give it, all that good stuff. Something real. Don’t get lost in fantasyland or smutville. Try not to forget why you’re there in the first place.
As I have said try to be kind and fair. Remember there’s two in that bed. Here’s an example on what not to do. I dragged my poor husband into an adult store one day thinking of all the fun we could have. I was so excited at the idea of sharing with him I never thought about anything else. When I turned to see the red-faced man standing next to me I realized I had made a very selfish mistake. He was embarrassed and uncomfortable. I had assumed he was as ready to share some of the sexual things as I was. I never took the time to find out how he felt. I didn’t do my research. I figured, what the hell, he’s a man; therefore he’s game for anything almost. I try hard not to assume things about any man since. Generalizing isn’t a good idea either I might add.
Don’t wait too long before approaching the subject of sexual preferences. Don’t rush yourself but putting it off will only confuse things. Do not, I repeat, do not come rushing in the door and dump all your fantasies at your mate all at once. Take time to explain the efforts you have made to be well informed. It’ll make her feel good to know you took the time to do your research and you thought of her too. If out of the blue you come up with “Honey let’s screw in a tub of Jell-O!” Your mate is going to wonder what you’ve been up to. Or worse even who the hell has been putting ideas in your head. So yes communicating is a very good thing for all of us.
Did I mention the fact that I think foreplay isn’t just for the bedroom? Take it out for a walk guy’s. A gentle touch on the small of the back with a hint of pressure, hearing ‘ Oh God you turn me on!’ whispered in the ear works nicely. Looking deep into her eyes once in awhile and really see her. Give her a little preview of things to come. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
I will be dealing in more specific areas of this subject in the chapters to follow.
Input...
This is all the things people have told you all your life. It usually comes in the form of advice. Sometimes there’s good advice and sometimes there’s bad. It just depends on whom you’re listening to at the time. And whether or not they’ve been drinking. ‘ Don’t pee on an electric fence,’ that’s good advice. ‘Awe hell you should try peeing on a electric fence, it feels good.’ that’s bad advice, really bad advice.
At one time or another you’ve all huddled around the schoolyard talking about girls. Some of the advice you have heard is probably really bad. There are things some women simply don’t like! There really is!
For example, I don’t care how many times you’ve heard that women like their nipples tweaked. Some of us really don’t. And here’s an oldie but a goody. Gentlemen why, oh why do you insist on sticking your tongue in our ear? Personally the only thing this does is make me wonder what ear wax tastes like. Yuck! Now I know some little boy told you it gave us gal’s goose bumps and that ear licking turns us on. Not only bad advise but also down right silly.
Most times all you have to do is watch your mate’s reactions to what you’re doing. Body language speaks loudly. You have to be paying attention to see the body language when it happens.
When it comes to input of this kind it isn’t hard to weed the bad stuff out. Take a moment to remember the advice you have received through the years. A lot of it came from your friends and family members.
I have five brothers. They are all are hell raisers. They come in a wide variety of ages. I have heard some of the talks my brothers have had. The ones about what a women really want’s. These talks are usually done over one of their poker games. I’ve heard some of the crazy advice they give to one an other. My brothers are some of the reasons I have written this book. This is also why my brothers are all getting a copy of this for Xmas this year.
As I was saying, the input you have received has, in one way or another affected you all your life. We just need to take some of it tweak it up a little. Here you can tweak. Take the rest crumple it up and throw it away. Just get rid of it, don’t look back!
I’ve heard rumors that some women love to baby their men. I’m not talking about normal caring and sharing. No I’m talking just like some Mom’s did for good old Dad. Treating the man like he’s helpless. This is wrong, wrong, wrong! Yes some of us get off on treating a man as if he’s helpless. But most of us simply don’t have time to be telling you where your socks, hat and keys are. I can never find my own for crying out loud.
Try to realize that the time she spends running after you could be very well spent unwinding. If she’s unwinding then maybe she’ll have a chance to remember what romance is all about. Don’t you want her to be able and willing to turn some romance your way? Well give her some free time to come up with a few ideas on her own.
This is where little things mean a lot. When was the last time you sat on the edge of the tub and washed her back, letting the bubbles run where you wanted them? Next time take a deep breath and go in there. Have a little fun. Don’t for one moment think she doesn’t care or won’t appreciate it. If she doesn’t well there’s help for that too. Most women however will definitely notice.
You don’t have to run out and buy all kinds of fancy stuff for her. We’ll be dealing with buying things out of guilt later. For now worry about just finding the time for both of you to have some fun.
You can help by getting kids ready for bed, straighten up a little around the house or just try to keep things in the home running on an even level. All these things will help a lot. When your mate sees there’s someone working along side her instead of against her she’ll remember it. When she realizes you aren’t going to power struggle against her, she will feel more relaxed. I can pretty well guarantee she’s then going to be looking for a little entertainment. Odds are that it won’t be going out with the girls.
Input is an amazing thing. It’s a stronger influence in our lives than most of us realize. I look at some of my mate’s actions and I know exactly what kind of input he has had in his life. A lot of the trouble in your relationship could be coming from bad input.
You get what you give’ this a theory that comes into very strong play in relationships. For example; if she gets mad and stays mad because you forgot to do something for her again! Perhaps to save yourself some grief you could make an effort to remember the stuff that’s important to her. You’ll save her the time of having to bitch you into doing it. (If she doesn’t appreciate it I think once again you may want to see about some counseling.)
Is your sex life boring as hell? (I sound like an info commercial) Try finding out where the interest has gone and why. Boring usually means you have both lost interest. You could start by talking to her. Ask her if she feels the same way as you. This will also show her you’re paying attention to what’s going on in the relationship.
If you have a partner who is willing to work with you, you have a very valuable tool in your life. There really shouldn’t be much the two of you can’t find a solution to. However this means you may have to actually take the incentive about finding some of the problems and trying to fix them.
I know I keep going on and on about talking to your mate. There is a very good reason for this. Time and time again I am amazed at the amount of men who will sit in their misery rather than try to communicate their feelings. Whether it is a problem with anger, sexual feeling or just confusion over everyday life. You have a right to expect your mate to be willing to work with you.
You also have the right to expect your mate to care. Your needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. To often the input we get tells us that females are far more emotionally needy than males. This is oh so very untrue. We as humans are all emotionally needy. It’s just we have been conditioned to believe that men are insensitive, unfeeling, callous creatures. Therefore men can’t be emotionally needy.
A man admitting to emotions isn’t generally looked up to. This attitude helps to create men who will say nothing rather than admitting to having feelings. This can put a lot of pressure on your mate to be physic. Some women just aren’t that good at reading minds. When we fail to read your needs properly, you’re upset, we feel guilty and no one wins. This has come about because someone gave you bad input. Pretty amazing isn’t it.
Knowing and understanding input can be very beneficial. Recognizing good input from bad will help you solve some of the problems you are having now.
Understanding some of these concepts give you the option of changing some things for yourself. If change is what you want.
Some subjects I haven’t gotten to yet. I hope to touch on most of them eventually. Some subjects I’ll be going back over a few times simply because there is a lot to cover.
Chapter two, for those who are brave enough to continue on, will be dealing with starting a relationship. Good habits, bad habits, which can stay and which must go.
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