Ask Prof. Taltos
by Cynthia McCaffrey

Hello and welcome to “Ask Prof. Taltos.” My hope in doing this column is to help you (and or entertain you with my wit). This column will run every two weeks. I am going to try to keep each issue to a certain topic, but it may vary from time to time. Depending on what type of e-mails I receive in the future.

 I thought this week we could dwell into that dark mysterious place called fidelity. Now I know that for most of you this isn’t an issue. However judging by the e-mails I’ve been receiving, some of you aren’t sure what fidelity is. Let’s read the mail and see if I can come up with any answers for you.

Dear Prof. Taltos,

Two years ago I met the man of my dreams. We are getting married next spring, so we decided to live together until then. Last week I caught him looking at porn on the net and now I'm not so sure I want to get married to him. He says I'm over reacting and behaving like a child but I feel betrayed and he creeps me out now. What should I do? Every time we try to talk about it we get into an argument.

Crying in Toronto.

Dear Crying,

He creeps you out? What does that mean? Are you trying to tell me you’re degusted by his behavior? Or are you trying to say you’re shocked at what he was doing? Either way let me try to help you.

First get a couple of chairs. Then sit down across from each other. Make sure you’ve taken all sharp objects and lethal weapons from the room. Once you’ve done that, then you begin by actually talking to each other. If you can’t seem to do this or it just starts another argument, then I really think some professional counseling would be a good idea. If you can’t find a common ground on this issue, you’ll never be able to find it in later years.

Believe it or not, it is possible for two people to have two different ways of looking at things. That doesn’t mean either one of you is necessarily wrong. From the sound of your e-mail, you aren’t communicating very well. It would help if you could both look at things in each other's perspective. In order to understand his attitude (that’s if you want to understand it) you may have to take your feelings out of it and take a good look at things from his point of view. If he’s sensitive enough, get him to do the same for you. I have found, however, that generally men aren’t as able as women to do role reversals.

Perhaps it’s a case of 'he doesn’t realize he has hurt or slighted you in any way'. Or perhaps he realizes he’s offended you but thinks you’re just being silly. Whatever the reason, you are hurt and you are angered by his actions. Perhaps rightfully so, but you weren’t very clear in your e-mail. Be very careful before saying I do. Make sure you’ve been clear with him on your dos and don’ts concerning the relationship. You’ll never get what you want in life if you don’t let it be known what you want.

I hope you’ve found this of some help.

Prof. Taltos

Here’s an interesting one.

Dear Prof. Taltos,

My wife and I are having a terrible argument over the internet. She spends all of her free time on the damn computer chatting with her friends. I don't mind except that she talks to men too! I finally got mad and told her she was cheating on me with these strangers. She says it isn't cheating, and I should know better than that.

Who's right Professor, my wife or I?

Matt.

Dear Matt,

Hold the milk truck, buddy. If you’re asking me to take sides, you’re definitely barking up the wrong tree. I have found that no matter how you slice it, it takes two to tango, if you know what I mean. What I’m saying is yes, you have a point if she’s spending too much time on the computer, and that’s an issue between the two of you. You may also have a point if she’s chatting away to some dude, and it’s making you jealous. You may have! That doesn’t mean you’re without guilt.

As I said it takes two to tango. You may be justly annoyed over the amount of time she spends on the computer. We’ve all experienced someone who likes to hog the computer. We all know how annoying this can be. If your wife is guilty of this infraction, then you have to let her know how you feel. You could begin by asking her to join you in a game or two on-line. While the two of you are playing, perhaps you could also find out why she prefers spending time on line with strangers rather than with you?

I think you may have a bigger problem than you may realize, Matt. It sounds as if you and your wife have drifted away from each other. Like one of those couples you see in restaurants, staring blankly into space. They have allowed time to make them into strangers. Could it be you have allowed this to happen to you?

As far as the chatting with other men goes. I think once you find out why the two of you have drifted apart, then the other men won’t be an issue anymore.

Come on, Matt! If you have a problem, for crying out loud, talk to the woman. Don’t expect her to read your mind. Don’t sit there all bent about something but unwilling to talk about it. Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of an argument then throw it at her, that’s not fair. We all know nothing gets settled that way. Take the time to talk to her about how you feel, that’s what’s really important here. If playing a game together isn’t your cup of tea then find a common ground for the two of to be comfy in. You may be missing out on a very important part of her life.

If trying to communicate isn’t working for you then some professional type of help may be needed. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help and there are many ways, if you wish, to you can keep your identity a secret.

I truly wish you the best, Matt!

Prof. Taltos

I think that’s about it for this week ladies and gentlemen. Please send your e-mails to the Prof. at proftalos@yahoo.ca. Until then take care and stay healthy.

©2003 StoriesByEmail.com

Activity Web