Patience, Patience And More Patience
Dear Aunt Cynthia,
My four year old son (James) has slept with Daddy and me most of his young life. We realize this isn’t a good thing, but due to circumstances beyond our control, we were forced to share a room for the last couple of years.
Now that we’re ready to move into our new home, he simply refuses to sleep alone. We’ve tried bribing him, being firm with him, and we always march him back to his own room only to see him standing in the doorway five minutes later crying. He looks so pathetic we can’t stand it, so we (and we know it’s wrong) let climb in with us.
Help us Aunt Cynthia! Is there a way to go about this without traumatizing him? He’s a really good little
fella.
Thanks
Concerned Mom and Dad
Dear Concerned Mom and Dad,
First I would like to say don’t be too concerned; any child who has parents that love him and have such concern for his well being will be just fine.
I agree that for any child to sleep with Mom and Dad every night is a bad thing. Mom and Dad need space and private time, and the children need to have their own things too, such as a bedroom, where his toys and things live too. It’s as important to the child to have privacy as it is to the adults. But the world isn’t going to end if he needs some help getting use to this idea. There are a few things you can do to help him along.
Read a nice long story book to him, one that has a few chapters and lots of nice pictures. Explain to him you will read one chapter a night, and maybe he could try sleeping in his own bed while he is thinking about what’s to come in the next chapter. Ask him to try to go to sleep while thinking about this and then see what happens. Don’t get discouraged if this doesn’t work right away. Give it a week or so and if it isn’t working then go on to something else.
You can camp out for a few nights beside him on the floor. This sounds uncomfortable (and it probably is), but I’ve read this method seems to work fairly well. Most children just need to feel secure to be content. Knowing Mom or Dad is within arms length may give the little one the courage he needs to tackle life’s problems. Make sure he understands this is just a temporary thing, just until he can do it on his own.
There is also the method of letting him fall asleep in your bed but move him to his own room once he’s asleep. Waking up in his own bed will help him realize he’s safe and secure, even though he spent the night alone in his room.
Here’s a few no, no’s I have when it comes to this situation.
Don’t put him in his room to scream and cry himself to sleep. Remember these are only my opinions, but in my opinion doing this to a child is cruel and could be traumatizing. One of the things a child needs to grow up healthy and well adjusted is to know that Mommy and Daddy will never let anything hurt or frighten them.
Don’t insist that he sleep with the door closed all the way or in the darkness. Being able to see a little bit out of his room may help him feel better and a night light can
definitely chase some fears away.
Don’t keep giving in to his insistence of sleeping with you. Be consistent with him, and be consistent in looking for a ways to help him sleep alone. Don’t give in or give up just because it’s easier for you. Too often I see parents confuse a child by saying no one minute and yes the next. He needs you to set the boundaries for him and let him know who’s in control of the situation. By setting these boundaries now and letting him know you’re in control, you’ll find in the years to come you’ll all be grateful you did.
Good luck to you; let me know how he does, please.
Aunt Cynthia
Keep those e-mails coming I really enjoy hearing from all of you.
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askauntcynthia@storiesbyemail.com
Aunt Cynthia
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