Life’s Little Disappointments
Hello again. I hope this finds all of you doing okay. We’re all down with the flu at my house. I had to go one step further this time; I decided to try out walking
pneumonia. It’s walking pneumonia only because I haven’t gotten the good sense to lie down yet. At any rate, everyone, keep warm and stock up on the cold remedies. This is a lulu of a virus. I’ve been using a lot of herbs and herb teas. I found the Rooibos Teas to be some of the best around these days. There’s something very soothing about them.
This week I wanted to deal with getting a fair shake in life. I’m always saying, “If you expect life to be fair, then you’re disillusioning yourself.” I say that not because I’m a cynic but because I believe it. It only makes sense to realize that some really crappy things happen to some really nice people. Sadly life is far from fair, but that’s just the way it is.
I also believe you have no right to expect anything back when you do a good deed. To expect something is to undo the good part of the deed. I’m sure you know what I mean.
Every once in a while, one of my peers will question me on my beliefs. Since I’m a spiritualist (yes I said spiritualist), my beliefs are simple, as are my expectations in life. However I’ve found that my good deeds are usually returned, in one way or the other. I believe this is because people are generally good and want to be kind. There are those who have voiced their concerns over my lack of expectations. And I know they think me a bit naive at times. What they don’t realize is I really do get a rush when I stop to lend a hand to someone. There’s a magical feeling I get when I do. For me that’s more than payment in full.
Here’s a couple of e-mails I’ve received that deal with some of life’s disappointments.
Dear Aunt Cynthia,
I'm getting married next month, and my fiancé wants to start trying to have a baby as soon as we say I do. I would rather wait a couple of years. I have a good job (I'm a grade three teacher) and so does he.
Aunt Cynthia, I don't want to quit my job, even after we have children. I love my work! I get the feeling he expects me to stay at home with the babies until they start school, and that’s not going to happen. Is there some way I can get him to understand what I want when it comes to children, I don't want to seem like a horrible person.
Thanks, Aunt Cynthia.
'I do but I don't!'
Dear, I do but I don’t,
I hate to be the one to tell you this, sunshine, but you really need to put on the brakes, when it comes to getting married at least. Getting married before any of these issues are settled is just asking for trouble.
There are a few rules I think people should follow before they tie the knot.
Make sure you can live together without killing each other. I think living together for a while before you get married doesn’t hurt.
Sit down and discuss the issues that are important such as children and religion. Don’t wait until the babies begin to come. Remember an
united front is a strong front. Children really need to see that their parents are in charge and capable of laying down good foundations for them.
And, here’s the most important one: be honest about your expectations from this marriage. You can’t expect him to understand or give you the things you need to be happy if he doesn’t know what
they are.
Good luck I do but I don’t; I wish you the best.
Dear Aunt Cynthia,
I‘ve been married for twenty-five years. My wife and I are both retiring next year. Our two children are both out on their own now, and I wanted to go for a camping vacation. She refuses to even consider going. She says that now she has the house to herself, she wants to do some decorating instead of going on a trip. Financially we can't do both. Can we compromise somehow? We've tried to talk it out, but it seems we just end up fighting over it. I hate fighting; so does
she; we both agree to disagree a lot but rarely do we actually fight.
This letter is from both of us.
By the way we're real fans of yours, you’ve come a long way, keep up the good work.
Smitty in Washington.
Dear Smitty,
It sounds like you two have a good relationship. There’s nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree I wish more people would try it; maybe there would be
fewer divorces.
As for your immediate problem, I’m afraid there aren’t any easy answers. Someone is going to be disappointed either way. Perhaps you can decide which has more priority and then save up to do the other at a later date. Both things are equally important to the two of you. You deserve a vacation, and she has probably been counting on re-doing the house. But one has to remain on the back burner for a while.
Make sure whatever you decide that the other choice is seriously slated for down the road.
Good luck to both of you and happy retirement!
This next e-mail doesn’t really fall into the life isn’t fair category, but it pissed me off enough I had to
throw it in.
Dear Aunt Cynthia,
Hi my name is Andy, and I have a big problem. My girlfriend is addicted to drugs. She uses cocaine regularly, and it's causing us a lot of financial grief. Her Mom has lent us over five thousand dollars and she has made it very clear she won't lend us another cent.
I've tried to talk to her, but she says I'm imagining it. I'm not imagining the fact we haven't got a thing to our name, and she's pawned everything of value we have.
We're supposed to be getting married next year, but the way things are going, we won't be able to afford it.
Andy
Dear Andy,
Have you ever heard of enabling? As in enabling an addict? That’s exactly what you and your mother-in-law are doing. You’re making it easy for her to get what she wants, and she’s going to take you up on it. As long as she knows this, she’ll never straighten out. I can guarantee that!
I want to tell you to run, run fast and run far! I want to tell you that, but I won’t; I know you wouldn’t listen. I will tell you this, Andy, people like you really piss me off! I’ll give you the fact you love her. I’ll even give you the fact that she may be a great person when she’s straight. What I won’t give you is any sympathy, not a single little drop of pity shall come from me. Let me tell you a story, it may explain to you why I can’t stand people like you!
I live in an extremely rough area of a fairly large city. I live here because it’s such an amazing
place; its pulse is the variety of cultures that live here. I’ve traveled a lot and have lived in many different places along the way, but I always come back home. I love this city; it runs deep with stories for me to write about. However as with many things in life, this love comes with a high price tag.
I can look out my kitchen window and see the hooker standing on the corner waiting for a john. She stands there
every day. Her name is Angel. Angel hooks on the street corners here to feed her cocaine habit. She’s had four babies, all born addicted and all have been placed in foster homes. I don’t feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for her children. I know her pusher personally. He tells me if he doesn’t sell her the stuff someone else will. His reasoning frightens me.
I see the street kids who sniff glue to keep warm at night, and I know why they’re there. Their parents are too bent on crack to give a dam about them. They have the kids to get the welfare
cheques, to buy the drugs, and so on and so on. There isn’t any end to it really. Except the children are getting to be younger and younger every year, I’m not sure why.
I do what I can to help the people of my community. I have taken coffee to hookers on cold nights and given out popsicles when the days were too hot. I take pride in the fact the people of this community are kind and polite to me even if they think I’m an odd duck. I will however never hand out money to anyone, or give them anything of value they could possible pawn for drug money. And I think perhaps, dear Andy, you should follow suit.
As long as you provide the means, your sweetheart will get her drugs. She will lie, cheat, steal and do anything she can to get high. She will never realize she has a problem, and she will never try to do something about it, if she’s stoned. And she will be stoned!
So if you love her, and if you really care, you’ll take her by the hand and drag her screaming and kicking to the nearest rehab center! You will grow some balls and stand your ground firm in any way you can to get her to get help. If you love her, you will stand by her during withdrawl and all the rest of it. That’s what she needs someone to do for her. This message is for her Mother too. I believe very strongly in tough love when it’s needed. To do anything less is only enabling her to self destruct.
Aunt Cynthia
Well ladies and gentlemen, I think that’s about it for this week. I hope this has been of some help. Keep those e-mails coming! I’ll do what I can to help. Remember you can reach me at askauntcynthia@storiesbyemail.com.
Until then I remain as always your Aunt Cynthia!
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